I have to do WHAT with Lady Gaga?

My target day was 28 days ago. I got married 44 days ago. /flex

Since I have "1 month and 18 days" to go, but I got married almost 7 years ago, I hereby give some of you lucky, withered spinsters my accrued time. ENJOY!

I know, right? I can name like, four of them. Maybe.

Did you just shame log-cabin dwellers from Idaho? Way to flaunt your dry-wall privilege, you unmarried failure.

Oh for fuck's sake, this isn't even worth the time to explain to you, but let's try anyway, shall we? You're determined to put me in a box before even recognizing the problem with everything you're saying is fantastically cruel in its oversimplicity.

I mean, we have a black president, so racism must be over right? Or did it end with Rosa Parks? It's so hard to keep track of these things!

Oooh, Golden Corral burn.

What about the sharters who wear thongs? Is Divacup working on an equivalent?

How much would you have to be paid to be "the face of sharting"?

It sucks to be obese on an emotional level, sure.

Hey Burt (is it ok if I still call you Burt? You'll always be Burt to me...), this story inspired me to create a petition to encourage the officials of Warren, MI to criminally prosecute Najor to the fullest extent of the law.

There is more to this story. Charda woke up disoriented in a hotel room, and called the police because she thought she had been drugged and raped. Instead of taking her to a hospital for a blood test and rape exam, the police arrested her for trashing the room, and then this occurred. I hope she ends up owning the…

When I was first entering high school people told me to be careful who I pissed off because at the school I went to, the other girls would cut off your hair if they were angry at you. Looking back on it, I'm pretty sure it was just something the sophomores said to haze the freshman and keep them on their toes, but I…

Me too. I'm not really a romantic type, but I cannot with adorable old couples...