Translation: "I am deeply deeply sorry that my bitch of a babymama complained to the cops. I will take every step available to me to make sure it does not happen again."

"I caused an injury I never intended."

"I also understand after meeting with a psychologist that there are other alternative ways of disciplining a child that may be more appropriate."

"Failure is not getting knocked down. It's not getting up."

These fucking idiots are ALL awful. Fuck Peter King, fuck the NFL, fuck Roger Gooddell, fuck the Ravens, fuck Rice's lawyer, fuck Steve Smith, fuck Schefter, fuck Harbaugh, fuck everyone who defended Ray Rice and/or tried to pin some of the blame on Janay, and most of all, fuck Ray Motherfucking Rice.

Does this mean we've achieved Peak Internet? Where do we go from here?

Unfortunately, this ended in heartbreak after the man failed to remember to look into the snake's eyes.

For fuck snakes

I agree completely. They need to retract that Stephen A. Smith story immediately.

Hoover might be nuts, but he still wouldn't have signed Tony Romo to an extension.

That's one of the best "The fuck kind of amateurs do I work with?" condescending anchor faces I've ever seen in my life.

Later, she failed her concussion test when she couldn't answer basic questions like, "What's with that outfit?!"

I know that complaining about Facebook changes is high on the list of "most ridiculous things you can waste your time on", but what is the hate-on that FB has for showing posts in chronological order? If their algorithm for determining what I was interested in was even vaguely accurate I might be more accepting, but…

Baseball should cut the season down to 120 games, start in May and start playoffs September 1. This won't happen because Owners would lose tv revenue, but the season as it is now is way TOOOO long.

If there are that few people at the game, does proposing on the Jumbotron still count as a "public" proposal?

And I bet some dickhead usher was still saying "No no no. You can't sit here; your tickets are for the upper deck!"

Francona: Hey, Wood. You ever make a team while on the mound before?

It's an escalator, stupid. You don't need to run up it.