That story about the woman who got doused with red wine? I had a similar experience and similarly laughed it off. As a server was setting a nice large martini (with a lemon twist, not an olive) in front of me his hand trembled for some reason and the whole thing went down the front of my shirt. The look of horror on…

Once, an 8-top of Christians left one of those “Here’s a Tip for You!” pamphlets on my table, in lieu of a cash tip. I was sort of used to this, so I didn’t remark much, just tossed it into the bus tub with the rest of the debris, and a glower.

I’m a little late but here goes. I worked in a Gay Dennys in Arizona and soon after gay marriage became legal, I had the most adorable elderly couple of men, one white, one black. They were seated at the counter and had on these beautiful leis. I asked if I could feel the real flowers and asked what the occasion was.…

Ooo, that’s a good roller derby name.

I don’t want to say this but i’m going to anyway, religious people are the absolute worst people.

I wanna know how show me her clitoris and barbecued chicken wings got in the same sentence.

Jamie Layton’s story reminds me of a famous story I heard when I was working at a regional theater festival.

Why do all the headlines for all four of these stories sound like they were written by the cunt punch sorority girl?

They get their tacos from McDonald’s. It’s called a got-damned hamburger, because I’ll be go-to-hell if my pappy fought on D-Day just so’s that a buncha got-damned illegals could come over here with their spicy foods and weird squigglies over their letters.

Rihanna treats Drake like I treat my one neighbor who always has coke but constantly complains about his ex gf.

Jesus Christ, what a bunch of butts. I don’t have kids and I don’t want kids and I don’t really like kids but I do my best to nod along supportively when people talk about their kids or show me pictures or whatever because that is basic human courtesy and also I guess it’s really nice that people love their kids? It’s…

I use a browser extension where I can block key words from my Facebook feed, and “Younique” and “Jamberry” were the first words I added. Third was “Crossfit”

OMG yes. And in college, we used to do sex toy parties all the time for birthdays. Like, thankyouverymuch but if I am in need of a vibrator, I’m in need of it right fucking now.

Alyssa is truly one of those funny people you would watch shopping at target. (see also Miss Coco Peru)

“I have to tell ya–eight years of one demographically symbolic president is enough”

pitch meeting to have a Disney night on ABC’s Dancing with the Stars

A Nice Guy™ who knows that women are banging 25 asshole dudes a night instead of him.

I think we dated the same person.

“President Ted Cruz.”

Precisely. She has no idea about being a Regular, but she really believes that she does. One of my favorites was when she recommended a $400 pair of leather shorts as a “summer staple”.