“Drool? Like the kind produced by a Bernese Mountain Dog after a long day of chasing tennis balls in the desert...”

It’s our new hospital, conveniently located on a major highway. Go where your customers are they said. So I said- Let’s build our emergency hospital ON the highway! Car crash? - No problem, no waiting!

Thank you for your service!

I believe you.

Like father, like daughter-wife.

I think you just predicted my next nightmare. This is too perfect.

I was watching MSNBC and one of the hosts said to the reporter there that he was “surprised Sanders didn’t do better with the kernel vote. Get it? Kernel Sanders? Colonel Sanders?”

Well I’m certain he rides a “girls bike”. Pencey wouldn’t dare ride a “boy bike” with that bar. If he hit his “bathing suit area” he wouldn't be a virgin anymore.

THATS WHAT SHE SAID!

That is why Mr Mars and I got married almost 20 years ago- tax breaks and to get him on my medical insurance. Neither of us believed in the need for a piece of paper making “official” what we already knew we had. Who says love is dead? - Oh yeah, Jez every time there’s a celeb breakup.

OOOHHHH!

Congratulations on covering your first celebrity split! I'm certain it won't be your last.

Hmmm. I expected this to be filled under: “Love Is Dead”

David, you’re a smart fellow. Can you please explain to me how video games are to blame for Fucker Carlson’s “ad revenue tanking”?

You are my kind of people.

(bows head)

Finally. A glimpse of some not terrible news.

Just did it.

Some days I wish the way I misread headlines matched reality:

Oh my god.