I think they’re injecting Spicer with cells harvested from Trump and they haven’t figured out yet how to make the transformation last longer than a few hours. I’m sure eventually, Sephiroth Spicer will be complete.

Oh just check it out.

I would like to hire the camera guy to film my next sexual experience. Really show the audience the way I’m feeling inside.

Eat all the dicks, please.

If Between Two Ferns mated with a Real World: Chicago audition tape.

Watching this high would be a waste of drugs.

It was great until 1:40 then i pissed myself and forgot my name

Everything is better on drugs, man.

The idea that there could be some kind of shadow presidency going on out of Joe Biden’s garage/ rumpus room, with grilling in the backyard 24/7 warms my heart.

In related news, Kyle Shanahan decided against a short run to the White House and will instead, pass.

I feel like they’ll all be suspended four games for violating the league’s substance abuse policy after Uncle Joe is done with them.

In a strange turn of events, Matt Ryan said he will also be skipping the White House event.

I would go just so I could pull my hand back and slick back my hair right when Trump went to shake it. I’d be a hero to all the other secret detainees in Guantanamo.

On one hand, I think about how much America has done this to so many countries around he world (or really supported outright coups) so finally the US is getting a very small taste of it’s own medicine. On the other hand, I’m all like fuuuuuuck - I live here and am raising a family here. I don’t want this to be the…

He rewrote the tweet for 11 minutes and this is what he settled on

There are places where it is dangerous to be Christian, and there are places where it sucks to be Christian.
The places it is dangerous are mostly just dangerous places, but admittedly more dangerous as a Christian. The places it sucks to be a Christian are places like Pakistan or Saudi Arabia, or other Muslim states.…

His qualifications are impressive, though. For example, he’s not al-Baghdadi.

I don’t know how Martin Van Buren survived without a FLOTUS.

To me it is such a sexist vestigial remain. Like, she wasn’t elected, she isn’t getting paid for the position, but she is still expected to do a whole bunch of work because her husband is President. And people threw a shit-fit when Michelle Obama commented that there should be some kind of compensation for the First…

It is such a stupid position. Considering the catalogue of horrors coming our way if Melania could humor me by just getting piss drunk on the lawn and screaming “Send In The Clowns”, thus ending any and all dignity attached to this charade of a role, I could live with that.