True story: Steve Jobs would have had the guy who came up with this messages shit fired and possibly murdered.

I can see where women might buy pink jerseys, so sure, whatever, make them and have players wear pink to remind people of the Breast Cancer Scam Charity.

So if Clinton wins, the “true patriots” will gather beneath a tree, slit their flesh and drain themselves dry to water said tree?

Are you planning on doing an obit on Bernie Sanders? I realize it’s gonna be super late if so, but I feel a gaping emptiness in my collection of your fantastic work on them.

Dissolve the nation. Make each state it’s own country. Boom.

There’s a not insignificant portion of people who feel like since THEY’RE not oppressing black people but they ARE American, these protests are accusing them of being complicit in something they have no role in.

Exactly. To hate something, you have to give a fuck about it first. Donald Trump gives a fuck about nothing but himself. His brain is just a loop of his name in gold surrounded by heart emojis.

“What is your diet like?”

“Big d—” *begins following hallucinated butterfly with his eyes for several seconds*

America’s been an oligarchy since the day it was founded. The world is an oligarchy. You just realize it now. Welcome to enlightened consciousness. Namaste.

Besides, “Newton revealed that he went through the concussion protocol after the game, being “asked a couple of questions,” though he admitted he didn’t remember what they were.”

“Well, you know, regarding this kneeling thing, I’m not a black man, but...”

“ISIS would not have been able to take oil and use that oil to fuel themselves.”

Tannehill 2.0. Calling it now.

Thus why self-driving cars are still more sci-fi fantasy than reality, even if there are a few models out there.

I’m 50% sure Taylor Swift could release a two hour double album of just ambient noise and it would go 6x platinum.

Because a thinly-veiled “Tom broke my heart” song/album will sell more copies than your suggestion.

Surely with all her money, Taylor could hire someone to teach her how people in relationships act and speak so that her affairs don’t look so openly fake.

You're 👏🏻 supposed 👏🏻 to 👏🏻 use 👏🏻 these, 👏🏻 not 👏🏻 periods.

Because one tends not to develop a sense of humor when growing up learning that one should be angry about something at all times.