I am liberal enough I probably qualify as a socialist in Alabama and I definitely want to change our culture to one where pedophiles don’t get elected to office.

I’d rather see Sessions in the Senate than the Attorney General. Of course, I’d really rather see him buried under a wave of Sydney funnel-web spiders, but alas.

Was Shirley Temple a Nazi? Probably not but Hitler was known to have a collection of her movies at his private residence. There is a very good chance that Hitler would have never gained the charisma and charm to assume power of the Third Reich without Temple’s movies. But is it fair to blame the holocaust on Shirley…

Right? When I started looking into this because I needed something new to wear around the house, I was shocked. The sales pitch is ... what size do you wear and I’ll show you what I have. Um ... can I see what patterns are available? Well, that might or might not be in your size? Can I get it in my size if I like it?…

No way man. If you strike first, you have every fucking right to get your shit rocked. This is all on her.

I see your beef jerky and dirty laundry, and I raise you a carton of Marlboro Reds, and fecal mist.

That is so oddly specific... And yet I can totally smell it! Maybe I’ve met Sean Penn and didn’t know it.

And the breath. Oh, the breath.

This is assuming that there is something inherently not progressive about open sexuality and smut, or that they are counter-intuitive to progressive movements, which isn’t true.

I went to a high school in a really, really wealthy suburb (my family was really, really unwealthy), and there was a type of rich boy, all of them trust fund brats, sort of the Midwestern, North Shore equivalent of Diaper Don. They all had expensive cars and shitty attitudes. When I was young, I hated and feared them.…

So it seems like my best hope at ever getting McDonalds to bring back their hot mustard is if like Game of Thrones does an episode about it.

I don’t know what Mother! is about, but I have always thought Jennifer Lawrence kinda looked like Lightning McQueen.

I’ll use my home toilet, where I can take my sweet time and scroll through Instagram or respond to emails (a secret power play because “We’re on for next week’s meeting” takes on a-whole-nother value when your boss doesn’t realize that you sent it while squeezing one out).

Well I think you’re a stupid fucking asshole for thinking that, so hooray America. The system works.

I was shooting for obviously sarcastic enough to offend only 15% of Kinja commenters and I think I nailed it, personally.

I just came here to say that I, uniquely, do not watch Game of Thrones, making me better than 12.1 million people.

A turkey whistle, you say?

That twitter schtick. Amy so thirsty.

I like it as a progression.