I typically just put the meat in the skillet and whack it with the tenderizer for the entire time it’s cooking. This is also helps to spray boiling grease all over the kitchen, which is an important part of mise en place.

I’d rather get consistently fucked-up orders than for corporate shitbirds to make food service workers’ lives even more miserable.

How do you know if you’re a gamer, though? Is there some kind of test? I doubt IKEA would let any kind of non-gamer near this stuff.

I started playing Destiny (1) the day it was released. Destiny 2 is my bread and butter today. I love every aspect of the game: gunplay, art, lore, music (D1 had better music, but D2 is still above average). 

I like to seal the juices in by wrapping my meat in saran wrap, then dipping it in marine epoxy, and then I slap that fucker on the grill. By the time my guests come out of their comas, they say things like “burger ... jicagochusterr ... can’t breathe.”

A pack of goldens let loose in the MET for an evening? I would watch.

I always seem to have jerky in a pocket, or pouch, or crease somewhere.

Like I’m gonna fall for that old trick.

Well I guess I just can’t keep track of all the various poultry-of-the-woods.

It’s maitake — not this hen and chicken shit. And it is delicious. There’s a shroomsman at my local farmers market who sells these for a reasonable price and I pretty much budget my whole year around how much I’ll buy.

Telestiny is the game within the game. 

No, this is wrong. What’s next? A pilaf sandwich? A crouton burrito? A mashed potato banh mi? Madness.

No, you’re saying it wrong. It’s Konan.

This is the kind of post-apocalypse culinary advice I crave.

I fucking hate the word “cranny”. I like english muffins, but fuck crannies.

They don’t call it massivetwoshits for nothin.

I mean, 50 Cent himself is based on a character developed by John Grisham, so this isn’t so hard to believe.

This sounds like such an unmitigated shitshow that it must be parody. 

I’m still waiting for a device that can put the egg back in its shell and reseal it. You know, in case I crack an egg and then decide not to use it.

This is why I take my tea either via feeding tube or enema. Bypass them pearly whites.