No. Man, you know the answer is always and forever going to be no. Stop fucking asking, you are never allowed to use that fucking word.

only with the windows rolled up,

Roger Goodell: [murders Jerry Jones]

better ways to wake up in the morning? blow jobs.

Doesn’t everything?

Well, ok, but if I get rid of my single serve coffee machine I’m going to need to find another physical manifestation for my crippling loneliness.

Yeah, no one ever gets robbed at gunpoint in the US, and it’s the last place anyone should think of when talking about crime involving guns.

For those wondering (and hoping)—no, the Cleveland Browns do not play the Giants this year.

Wow, you just lifted that comment straight off reddit.

Quick, does anyone know where Ryan Lochte was last night?

We went through every question you could imagine, and I answered even some more for them just so they knew I was good, and then went back in there.

im just really glad he’s not doing anything to distract his team like doing a kneel during a song

You’re probably going to get some shit for making a completely accurate appraisal, but I’d advise you simply ignore it.

All you need to know about the white ‘Merican political mind:

And to add one thing to what everyone else said:

“Obamacare” wasn’t honorific.

I feel like you’ve been holding on to this one, waiting for Fisher to pop up from relative obscurity. You get a star for your patience.

I also bumped into Jeff Fisher on a checkout line recently. It was at a 7-Eleven in Montana. However, after he left it was a 7-Nine.

I don’t know if they deserve to die, not my judgment to make. But the world would certainly be a better place without them.

The story’s author takes us into the living room of Johnstown resident Pam Schilling, a 60-year-old retiree who is already keyed up to vote for Trump in 2020: