I’m always a fan of a quick swat with a rolled-up newspaper, myself.

I think I did something wrong.

Someone needs to fund a project where they hire Patrick Stewart to read all of the Jean-Luc Picard memes as if he means them.

Dear Salty,

Both my wife and I work very hard and we think we deserve, nay, are entitled to blow off a lot of steam with a nice dinner out with our 14 month-old Instabook tenant.

Yet we get dirty looks (of jealousy?) wherever we go because we find it convenient to change our kid’s nappy at our table. (It’s the good…

Ever since Taco Bell came out with the “Double Decker” taco, I’ve been using the same technique to keep my shells from breaking when I make my own tacos. Just slather some refried beans on a soft tortilla, and wrap it around the hard shell. Putting the refried beans on the outside of the shell also leaves a little…

THE FUCKING WORST!

I'll eat your Dots, then. But only if they're fresh. Stale Dots are an abomination. Maybe that was your problem?

Green ones taste the way palmolive green dish soap smells

Love Dots.  No other candy is as ruthlessly efficient as ripping out your fillings like Dot

Those things are the chewed wax leftovers of wax soda bottles. So, so vile.

BLASPHEMY!! Although I may only love those because there was a period when I couldn’t eat them (braces).  Mmm, forbidden candy....

Unfortunate that she was standing so close, but of course hindsight is 20.

Wash and dry potatoes, place on baking tray. Spray top with olive oil, salt very liberally. Turn potatoes, spray with oil, salt liberally. Bake in 350 oven for 90 minutes. Smoosh, open with fork, apply condiments, eat. Do not poke holes in the skin, do not use a potato nail.

My wife got one for a Kia she no longer had, and the giant headline on the mailer was a little scary at first since it said (in big bold letters):

• Baby Boomers: lotta baggage from being raised by stoic alcoholics then culture shock as the world changed around them. Upside: Lots of sex without consequences! Downside: ...Except when the sex had consequences (see Gen X)

Slice it thin? If you don’t chop it into thick slices with a meat cleaver while smoking and not looking, you’re doing it wrong.

I’m also going to add that the research done by Joseph Doyle and Steven Levitt in their article in 2005 concluded that car safety seats in general are actually not all that safer than just a seat belt (I assume with a booster or seatbelt adjustment of some sort although that doesn’t seem to be explicitly stated). They…

Waking up in ICU with amnesia.

Turn his neighborhood into a Superfund site.

Yeah, but it took you 9 paragraphs.