Why is Ciara doing that? It’s so awkward.

I just went looking. I’m not sure what the absolute worst is, but this is someone I literally wrote to my special lady friend: “I want to slap your cheeks (the butt ones).” I don’t think I’m the worst person in the world at dirty talk, but i think objectively that one text puts me in the bottom ten, despite everything…

I’m scared. Also, I bet slutlillies are pretty.

mfm threesomes are way better than ffm threesomes.

Here are some from my collection. I should publish a book, Kim Kardashian style:

I..... wat. My brain literally doesn’t know how to process this. Did he just send them to you all in a row? Were they intermittent throughout the day? SO MANY QUESTIONS SO MUCH NOPE.

I have been waiting all my life to share these (disturbing) sexts with the Internet. I knew I saved them for a reason. They are from a dude I met at a party 5 years ago and he sent them to me out of the blue one Saturday morning. I was NOT DOWN to get them.

I just sent this in but I am a grey and it probably won’t get read. In negotiations for a three-some with my current male lover we had a plan whereby I was having a promising third man (who is bi) over. I was to warm him up to the idea and then invite lover #1 over. I wrote: “He is adorable. I can’t wait to have you…

This isn’t exactly ‘grim’ but basically this is what hubby and I text each other every day when we’re in different parts of the house:

oh god “honey pot” would just make me feel like i was having sex with winnie the pooh

oh dear

“I just need it! It’s like I’m a diabetic and there’s insulin in your ass and I have to get it with my tongue!” Classy.

He sounds hideous.

Ugh I’ve never regretting deleting my ex’s (for lack of a better descriptor) texts until this moment right here. He was a dirty old man, more than 20 years my senior, and some of the things he thought qualified as “sexy talk” were just awful and also wonderful(ly hilarious).

“I know I’m not the most handsome guy, but I bet I’d look a lot better with your pussy juice all over my face.”

“I want to push your head down really hard while you give me head”

you know jake from state farm?