Just please don’t loot the OG. I want all those salty breadsticks to myself. And the salty soup, and the salty pasta, and the salty salad.

My plan to weather the next recession is that all-you-can-eat pasta card from Olive Garden.

Looks like he’s telling her to drive straight into a swamp. What happened to David Berowitz’ dog when he went to prison? 

Does a 7 and 7 count as one beverage, or two? 

So long as you pledge allegiance to one of the parties, and hate the other without question, it’s all good. 

I assumed it was just to own the libs.

That’s sort of what it looks like from my POV when my boss starts talking about our quarterly goals. 

The ol’ Flying Kangaroo Spider-Snake. 

Sitting three across? Not likely. Unless they’re just really old looking kids. Australia can definitely have that effect. 

If they had called it the Velosteraptor, then maybe. 

The less I know about what the inside of Taco Bell looks like, the better. I prefer the mystery. 

I definitely don’t want to disappoint Bjorn Borg. That man had hair that Thor himself would envy. 

Please. Like I’m gonna scratch up my bed liner.

Unless there’s a Whole Foods at the top of that ramp, I fail to see the real world application of this ability. 

Rose gold will soon be as cringey as those stupid Chinese character tattoos. Like the one I have. 

Finally somebody put some effort into a Chevy interior.

You made up at least one of those, right? 

I like that their flag has a Pac Man eating a star. More flags should be video game-based. America’s would probably be Grand Theft Auto. 

Good thing this didn’t happen to Nissan. They’d have to recall 100% of the Titans they sold this year. 

It’s true, the Element is classy.