Wait so are you saying the correct way to make an Old Fashioned is with brandy? I feel like that’s saying a real martini is made with vodka. Not a bad drink choice, necessarily, but it’s not the widely-accepted standard.

“If it’s not busy” is pretty much the key description in any bar scenario. Recognize your surroundings and act accordingly. Because most bartenders that I’ve known and worked with are more than willing to make suggestions or build something they think will suit you. Remember, we want you to be happy because happy =…

If only it was that simple everywhere.

To be fair, it’s easy to get defensive when you call what someone does as either a career or side-gig a peon. That was the primary aim of my aggression.

I’m an elitist because I don’t want to be whistled at like a dog? That sounds exactly like breaking one of the rules you just listed.

It sounds good in theory, but I’ve always felt that when they get the check and see what you did then your tip suffers. Again, most of this really depends on how busy the place is. I’m happy to ask questions and get an idea of what will suit you the most, but be decisive if the place is slammed.

You, right here.

This is in no way a typical conversation.

Not at all. I just hate *certain* customers. The ones above being chief among them. Cheers!

And any decent bartender will wait for you to order a different drink or at least for you to say that you’ll need a minute. I already feel like an asshole when I tell someone I’m out of something, so I’ll try and rectify it as quickly as I can.

Absolutely. I’m happy to make recommendations and learn a little bit about what you like and how I can incorporate it into a tasty cocktail. But please not when my bar is packed. Everyone else in the room suffers because of it.

If you order something I don’t have, I will tell you and then list the rest that might be missing, if there are any. Because I work at a place that does not have a chalkboard or digital screen that can be easier to update than an entire stack of menus. This leads to, at most, 30 more seconds of you waiting for a…

Maybe it’s just my personal experience, but I’ve worked at a few places and have never had or seen the luxury of printing out a new menu every day. I agree with everything else you said, though.

If you order one beer and leave me a twenty, I’ll come find you in the bathroom with a new one if I think you’re even half empty.

Depending on the size of the bar and variety of alcohol, this can be a near-impossible task at a lot of places. It’s still the bartender’s job to know what they do and do not have in stock, but you’d be printing new menus every day of the week and twice on Saturday if you were that strict. If I tell you I’m out of…

As a bartender, nothing infuriates me more than “just a beer.” I have 23 of them listed behind me on the wall and in front of you on the menu. Similarly, when I’m busy, don’t you fucking dare tell me to make you “something good” and leave it at that.

Do you piss on birthday candles for an 11 year-old too?

Suck my nuts, Stevie.

This is sarcasm, right? This has to be sarcasm.

I like to think he was talking about Nerf Vortex footballs that you could throw 50 yards when you were 15, even if he really wasn’t.