We are old, married sad sacks with a kid and we are staying home and having homemade fried chicken.

Horny, pubescent boys. I am adding this to the list of "Reasons we can't have nice things"

You are doing the Lord's work, sir.

Prove to me that Chipper Jones exists.

Why not just make the switch and see if we notice the difference?

SI is so brave. So...

You are that guy. And you follow jezebel on twitter!

Dear [INSERT NAME OF COMPANY JANESTOPTHISCRAZYTHING WORKS FOR],

Fuck you for reminding me that Cowherd and Bayliss are apparently two separate people(?)

The 1995 "Pride & Prejudice" miniseries with Colin Firth is on Ovation right now...

Will you accept my friend request? So I can unfriend you?

That's brilliant. And ten times better than 2 out of 3 Hangover movies.

The female equivalent of "idiot" is "idiot". Just like "asshole" it is a non gender-specific insult.

Have you considered specializing in treatment of burns? Because...well...you know.

I read that there was about 10K charged on his stolen credit cards. I hope the strippers spent it all on dildos and glitter.

His level of commitment is impressive. I have been looking around for a fuck to give about ballghazi and can't find a single one.

1. Belichick is the pollstar of human evil.

There is a red-tailed hawk that lives near my house. I am pretty sure it's the same one because I don't think they share territory. I have seen it swoop down out of the sky and grab rabbits from a neighbor's lawn. I am glad it performs a service (because FUCK those shrub eating rabbits). But when I see it circling…

He is better than you and he will eat you a little at a time.

No. Much more likely to call you a moron and a racist. And most of the Hispanics who come here do so because they want to be Americans.