Man, he’s gonna be pissed when someone reads this article to him.

I need to be clear: I would not merely lose my shit. It would be as if my shit had never existed. The very concept of shit would no longer be relevant in the current paradigm.

Agreed. If someone comes out and says “we’ve got a warp drive” I am in no way responsible for my actions to follow.

I want an actual socialist president myself. But I'm ok if he or she also happens to be Muslim.

YOU GUYS I want an actual Muslim president so bad. It doesn't even matter where he or she stands on the issues; it would be worth it just to watch these morons cry and shit themselves.

You come to America, walk into a bar full of beautiful women and say literally anything in your accent and you shall change your tune.

I think you meant to say your accent is "plin and dill and fiturelis".

PS: I hope your jandals don't get worn out taking the trundler to the dairy.
(Old NZ proverb)

How do you say "fucking aimbots" in Arabic?

Only in politics does balanced mean giving equal voice to impartial experts and vested interests.

I just....I give up.... is it too early for the torches AND the pitchforks?

Ponce? Well I guess it isn't a British ship. But...Ponce?

Excellent. Now cut off my arms and give me those.

When I lost weight I donated a bunch of suits, shirts and ties. I got a very nice thank you letter for a student who got a job. How did they know it was mine? I accidentally left a business card in the shirt pocket.

If they truly don't use street parking this could do very, very well in DC.

Here's my list:

Dude who the fuck told you all those lies?

Who needs all these fancy new doodads. You don't know what livin' is 'til you drive a team of horse like I used to. All these ridiculous wires you stick in your ears to hear a bunch of caterwauling from some half-dressed floozie. We didn't need all this new-fangled shit to have fun in my day. We'd just walk out into…

Why don't we hire robots to run fast food companies? They'll be equally cold and calculating but it will feel less personal.

I used to have a job that required professional dress, and dry cleaning was absolutely a convenience for which I was willing to pay. Ironing is of the devil.

Every place in America that allows smoking indoors is a shit hole. Literally every individual location. That is not an exaggeration.