It did, and Wendy Was Not Answering Questions About The Aaliyah Lifetime Movie

"I'm about to leave, I've been up for twelve hours."

I'm at that point in my life where lots of my friends are getting pregnant and having babies. Every time someone tells me they're pregnant, I'm unsure if I should say "Congratulations!" or "On purpose?" And this is how I know that I am not yet ready to procreate.

I'd rather give a daily blowjob if it meant I didn't have to keep a tidy home.

Damn, if I sucked dick everyday my wife would probably leave me.

Whenever someone tries to have this debate with you, ask them if you can fuck their significant other.

tied to a literary post and whipped into such brutal submission

no, it's obviously 1, the skinniest of all numbers.

maybe 7. it looks like a thin lady bent over all ~schmexyyyy~

I would rather watch all of Education Connection's horrible commercials on a loop than a Meghan Trainor/Justin Bieber duet.

Who is this Ed person who's too good for full sentences? Seriously, someone died. Show some respect and take two seconds to type "I'm" and "My."

The Stephen Collins piece says he doesn't expect to get more work this year. I know what this means, but it also reads as so optimistic. Like, January 1st, page turned.

Exactly. As grandma used to say, 'They don't have walking around sense.'

Regarding secret shoppers: Editor's Note: There is no screening process. Any idiot can — and usually does — sign up for that job

So full from all the gratuities in mah belleh.

The beer battered mystery shopper may be related to an acquaintance of mine, who would not eat beer battered anything when she was pregnant. "Guys, I CAN'T have any beer, because the baby will get fetal alcohol syndrome"

Tact is better than shade:

I got my dress at J Crew and it was so wonderful. They don't work on commission, they had tons of sizes, and they gave me a discount code for when I ordered online. My dress was about $700, and beautiful. I also got my dress in like 3 weeks.

I do this for the shade gifs

Shade Court is the single greatest regular feature of Jez: the Next Generation.