Only right wings I'd ever want are named Kane, Nyquist and Antilles not in that order.

If you don't have the equipment, little man…

Is that a Sheryl Crow song?

Anyone who has ever seen Even Stevens knows this is all because of Beans

Handjob by a computer you say?

Seeing Hannah abandoned by everyone is refreshing. Lena Dunham definitely made that character to represent a millennial college grad woman with narcissistic ambitions and as miserable as she was she nailed it. As awful as this season was to see such a shitty person get writing gigs and an ill-deserved career it was…

Left side of a queer donkey is a great quote. My personal favorite is "The (fill-in)-est man in ten towns!" An old guy who ran the general store in my podunk farm town would always say, "Ain't that the meanest/smartest/handsomest/richest man in ten towns!?" I still say it out of habit today but haven't met a single…

Yet there's so many terrible Batmans (Batmen?)

The Tobey McGuire Spiderman movies were great and quirky but I thought the first The Amazing Spiderman was the most accurate Peter Parker. Seeing Civil War it just seemed like another 'this isn't Peter Parker'.

I'm a straight white Christian man who loves college basketball, happy hour at dives with punk or jazz juke boxes and gets excited for post season hockey and baseball but when it comes to Riverdale and Thursdays at the comic book store I'm most thrilled of all.

There's a Papa John's commercial where he throws a football to some kids and says all in one word "attaboyalrightwe'rehome!" From knowing the prick as a kid it was great seeing it over and over on tv. Thanks for reminding me. Check it out sometime

Tell that to the cabbie who hit me in the crosswalk yesterday. Ya can't skateboard in this city anymore even when the white sign says it's OK!

Seeing the trailers with them driving over ice, I really, really, wished it would have crossed over to Alien Vs Predator Vs Vin Diesel In A Chevrolet

Any man who makes basic wage and lives in a basic Anaheim rental while being the jungle guide is a goddamn master in any man's book. Screw your Harvard Law or USC or NYU film, this man is the safari guide with the pop gun when you get scared! The only better job is the head shaking dog with the the jail cell key in…

The Edge has his gimmick but after watching It Might Get Loud after assuming his whole gig was a a tiny lick and a dozen pedals it assured me I was right. The guy is still great and I love U2 but I'm never going to say he's amazing.

Jungle Cruise guide was what I put as my career in third grade. Now I still tell people hiring me that's my long-term goal. Other options are working on Mr Toad's Wild Ride and the Haunted Mansion

Last time I shit my pants was a block from my apartment on a bicycle after introducing friends to some fancy hot sauce from the farmers' market. Previous worst mistake was thinking stinky tofu was a good idea, then I put it down the disposal. That was a fun few weeks of smelling stinky tofu each time water entered…

No one can get in on this without Fly glasses, a leopard cowboy hat, and thirty guitar pedals for every power chord. This is coming from someone who just paid a ridiculous amount of money to see their Joshua Tree tour even if there's so much to hate about them. The Edge and Bono are like Slash and Axl where each one's…

My best friend growing up had a Christian megachurch clown for a mom. Think doing magic but then afterwards reveal the trick and say, "The real magic is the miracle of our Lord." Her clown name was the same as a really terrible strip club and people would call his house all the time asking if she did private shows and…

Ol' #3 sheds a tear from heaven whenever NASCAR is brought up on the AV Club, especially for another great moustache