How did Darren Rovell not come up with this hot taek first?

He has shockingly clear penmanship for a man in a straightjacket.

I'm sure he'll spare no expense.

Because I am not a feature writer, I am a snarky internet commenter.

Cool. Now do one about Indiana and the Klan in the 1920s.

And in a completely unrelated rant, can we please PLEASE stop using the suffix "-gate" for scandals? It is the laziest thing ever. EVER. Ballgazi is at least slightly clever, but deflategate would make the writers of Two and a Half Men blush in shame at its lameness.

But it's the Patriots so all the media and opposing fans will treat all this nonsense like a combination of Pearl Harbor and 9/11 and fall all over themselves to see who can spout the hottest take. And we have eleven more days of this crap. Maybe I should start following basketball again...what are the rules for…

I lived in Boston for 12 years and that accent still goes through me like a dentist's drill.

You just listed all the reasons why I have to root for the goddamned Patriots. I am looking forward to the puppy bowl and beer next Sunday.

"I'm not fat" - every fat person ever.

I mean, if you can't have sex in the bathroom at a rodeo event, then where the hell can you have sex in the bathroom?

Are being 10 pounds of suck in a 5 pound bag now "personal reasons?"

I am sure most of the women who have been goodly enough to have sex with me would mention me high on their lists. :/

This is a lovely notion, except for the fact that the Sonics name and history are waiting for whatever team ends up going there, a la the Browns.

How is Pink Floyd NOT playing during the slow-mo? http://youtu.be/hMr3KtYUCcI?t=…

Because Derek Jeter appears to be jerking him off...

And, wow, like we needed to be reminded, Tim McCarver is such a Yankees-apologist, he makes the Klan seem open-minded and inclusive by comparison.

I have long said that the worst people in the world are Cowboys fans who aren't from Texas, nothing in this article has done anything to change my mind about that. And leave it to the idiots here in New Jersey to elect one of them.