Yeah, bitches. You KNOW I won this shit.

Well technically they’re just contracted with the CIA since the government seized all their assets.

Figures that the only world that Lincoln Chafee could get elected president in would be a failed MMORPG.

“Actually, Donald, we have no idea because it’s being broadcast on the MLB Network, and no one gets that”

have you never been to a Walmart? These are profoundly, profoundly stupid people we’re talking about, here.

‘A perfectly reasonable product next to a dangerous and heinous one,” thinks both political parties.

Reason #2544 I won’t shop WalMart: They won’t sell porn but will sell lube? Get your shit together. I want to buy the porn, gun and lube via One Stop Shopping! Who has time to drive around town?

Finally. A gun show I would buy tickets for.

900% certain at least one employee noticed, laughed, and kept walking.

Ain’t that the truth.

The funniest part is Obama’s actually been a pretty effective president. He’ll go down historically as a decent, above-average president at minimum.

Contact the author at dries@jezebel.com.

In their weird way, I actually can see the GOP nominating a white woman for the presidency. The legislature would steamroll her anyway.