Short hair Ellie Kemper is [fire emoji] [thumbs up rmoji]

Christina Applegate: First of all, that’s not a knock knock joke, and, second of all, if anyone in that situation is lame for any reason* it’s you for tweeting about it.

i love your tweets, kara. i don’t follow kk but looked through her feed. it’s weird. she has somewhat of a personality on it. also, “blast the fuck outta them?” she’s not smart enough for good comebacks.

I love the KonMari method of decluttering. I wrote about the beginning of my decluttering on groupthink a couple of months ago. I also usually hate self-help crap, but that book really spoke to me. I think it was the author’s polite but dogged eagerness, and the fact that she is clearly insane.

I didn’t realize how many of my things had feelings of guilt attached to them, rather than joy. Like, a dress in my closet that had tags on it and was a size too small - I realized I felt bad that I gained weight and bad that I wasted money every time I’d look at it. The book told me to accept that buying the dress…

This guy is seriously one of the biggest fucking pieces of shit in the world. I don’t know how in the fuck he sleeps at night. Can’t wait for the day that karma comes for him.

Part of the book is everything should have a home. Like with like. Space X for X, space Y for Y, space Z for Z. In other words, your boyfriend needs a toybox.

This. It is a reflection of my own raging pissant-ery.

I didn’t take it well when my ex-husband got remarried to my ex best friend. They even had a similar wedding to mine, complete with a 20’s theme and finger waves in her hair.

“I was skeptical, too. I hate new ideas, especially if they are popular. “

Okay so this is kind of the opposite...I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years and was very happily moving on with my life and seeing other men. About 3 months after we had broken up, I found out he had gotten a woman pregnant and she was about 3 months or so along. I was obviously a little outraged, but I thought it…

“No such thing is possible. In the Talmud, in the Jewish tradition, it says when that part of the male anatomy is aroused and there’s an erection, the brain flies out of that and we have to take that very seriously, so I don’t agree with that.”

This is my worst nightmare with my sociopath (literally) ex. I still have nightmares that he comes to my house to murder me. He used to always say the best revenge was when someone had completely forgotten about you. And I am terrified he will one day try to ruin my wedding. If in anyway he finds out that I was to be…

If you think about it, any story about food is the beginning of a poop story.

ONLY 77% OF OUR GIFS ARE WORKING IN COMPARISON TO DEADSPIN

The other day I called her the “Jordan Almond” of pop stars.

My dad’s soundtrack would be a lot of Pink Floyd, Steely Dan, Yes, Rolling Stones, Queen, Traffic, Jefferson Airplane AND Starship, Prince, Chicago, Bob Dylan, Traveling Wilburys, Tom Petty, Genesis, weird covers of classical music on Moog synthesizers, and a lot of jazz.

Now several young brides from Kilkenny

The only problem I have with quotas is having to hear white males whine about them.

A worthwhile partner will always acknowledge a need for pizza, and will so provide.