My dinner companion is the street urchin I paid tuppence to test my food for poison.

So I'm super glad you werk at Jezebel now and I would like to raise an IKEA tumblr of dirt cheap Polar Ice vodka to you. Can we get an update on how much vodka you have sponged up?

When someone is pressuring you to send them sexy photos that may be online forever you shouldn't be concerned with being "nice". I think, "The provincial police and I don't care about your boner" is a great message to send dipshit boys that think filling their fapbank is a sacred right.

It looks great on Rihanna, which can be said about anything ever.

I'm fairly certain it wasn't. The problem with The Wrangler is that the owner was clearly lying about why he refused entry to a customer. At my workplace the rules for entry were laid out clearly and enforced 100% of the time. If having a club for men only or women only is legal in your jurisdiction than I imagine…

Eh. I worked at a place where I had to enforce the rule that "customers must be masculine in appearance". A drag queen was slightly miffed when I turned her away. A young woman threatened to sue... something, and I laughed. That was all the drama that could be mustered.

"As someone who has also never received a dick pic, please send me yours now to JustTheTips@Gawker.com" - totally real quote, dicktated but not read, Mark Shrayber 2014.

Why? I invented a meringue douche so you can make macaron kisses with your butthole.

Martha is going to attach egg beaters to her drone rotors, whip the clouds in to a crisp meringue and it will be delicious.

I thought he was describing a venereal disease.

Agreed, but I don't get why people that have already collected all the best games expect to be pleasantly surprised by PS+ every month.

I've always wondered exactly how that compensation works.

Yeah I refuse to believe this. The idea that an adult finds Bieber fuckable is pretty funny.

SHE TUK HER LUK

It's kind of bananas how much funnier Jezebel writers are compared to The Others.

So this is the only page that's broken for me. THANKS SATAN BUNNY.

I have finally found a hair net that will keep my beard hairs out of the sandwiches of customers.

Yeah I would hit all of dat too.

How do we feel about Creemore? Can I like Creemore? I think my metric for alcohol is, "this doesn't taste too strongly of sulphites or cat piss so I likes it"

Women have always watched action movies, and the trend is to make movies darker, more "gritty" and violent, much to the disappointment of humans everywhere. I'm not sure what they're trying to accomplish... maybe their target demographic is people that live under bridges like yourself.