I sleep with one eye open... facing down in to the hole that I drilled all the way to China.

Oh, it's much worse. Everyone knows that when you have more than three ladies talk about the economy it attracts a bear market.

He's adorable. So is the turtle, I guess.

I was just waiting for the first overpriced, ridiculous DLC to tell me, "Here's the final word on why you should never buy this game". Is is still just the balloon?

No, he's not. He's Optimus Primal, and a few other names. Except for some bad toy merchandising, he is never referred to as Optimus Prime.

Yeah you wake up and address your brain like it's a bunch of lazy SNL writers that just got out of Harvard.

He's 'related' to Optimus Prime (whatever that means) but he definitely isn't THE Optimus Prime. Their sparks do fuse together near the end of Beast Wars, however

Benadryl does it too. I used to take Benadryl for allergies/to go to sleep (it was originally marketed as a powerful hypnotic before it was an antihistamine). Oh god why am I writing this. Did I say Benadryl? I meant Jolly Ranchers.

One time, my mom took us to the library and the lady said, "You owe us $100 in late fees".

I'm on sertraline which apparently makes you remember your dreams better, and also seems to make them nearly identical to what I would do when awake. Since the dreams are so vividly mundane it sometimes takes me hours to realise that they aren't real. I went in to a shop where I applied last week, convinced they had…

Do you live in an apartment? If he starts climbing stairs, two at a time, it will work his butt more. Just tell him that you burn more calories at higher altitudes or something.

So the French government stopped 'supporting' him in 2009, whatever that means, and apparently most French people want to see him extradited to the United States. Why hasn't it happened yet? I'm guessing that the French government, despite no longer supporting him, still isn't keen to cooperate with American law…

I encourage men to get a cheap beard trimmer cuz it doesn't leave ingrown hairs/BLOOD.

I used to use my bf's ample butt as a pillow, to his annoyance. It was too big though, it was giving me neck problems

The original wasn't in drag?!

Also, if Dorothy is a man, I hope he has Friends.

Drag queens or GTFO

Cunningulus songs > fellatio songs.

Hi, I'm a crazy person, and the only reason I can never play this game is the skybox. I find big expanses of blank space in computer games to be genuinely terrifying. If I ever clip through the world in a video game and fall in to the void I uuusually run away from my computer screaming.