This is SO CLOSE to an interesting movie. It’s interesting-movie-adjacent.

Having her be the sole survivor in the end and left with the choice to do what he did or die alone like he didn’t want to do would have been a far more interesting ending. Too bad the actual ending isn’t more daring and dark.

So true. I thought that a year or two ago when she responded to the celeb photo hacking and then wrote about wage inequality she was growing into a thoughtful and mature person. But this episode is so disgustingly disrespectful and immature and oblivious, it calls all of that into question. Oh, and the way she talked…

So my partner and I were discussing her attitude/behavior. At 19 or 20 she was charming and refreshing and “regular.” Ya know.. she wasn’t all hollywood and she tripped and was imperfect and it was cute. But she hasn’t grown up at all and she’s not 20 anymore and it’s not charming. She’s an adult asshole now.

So this entire movie revolves around the fact that the people who built this spaceship have the contingency planning skills of a cat?

As horrific as the stalkeratsy angle is, its the only thing interesting in the movie.

In the leaked script, the ship’s computers go into meltdown mode, they find a way to “reboot” but once they do, the ship thinks it’s back in port and starts ejecting the pods full of hibernating people. So the original plot gives Jim an “out” and she realizes if he hadn’t woken her, she would’ve been ejected into…

So it’s basically Overboard but with suspended animation instead of amnesia and a robot bartender instead of hilarious kids. Got it.

“We’re not reviewers. We’re assholes.”

And the Honest Trailers treatment.

Right? SUCH AN EASY FIX! Maybe several pods got damaged! Ta da! No more stalker underpinnings to the story!

What?!?!? He wakes her up on purpose cuz he’s lonely/horny knowing that she’ll die too? What the ever loving fuck is that? They couldn’t have come up with something happening to her pod too, like just when he’s about to commit suicide in despair or something? Especially since Laurence Fishbourne’s pod is damaged too?…

I love my husband. Like, a lot. I think he’s funny as hell and sexy as hell and interesting as hell. He’s hands down my favorite person to spend time with.

But if you’re still jonesing for Resting JLaw Acting Face, create your own homebrew version by standing in front of a mirror and trying to remember the last eleven places you put your car keys.

They lost me at “Aurora.” You just know that whichever draft that first appeared in, the following script doctor’s immediate reaction was, “Too obvious” only to be countered by some studio lackey chirping, “Sleeping beauty — brilliant!”

Between this and Jennifer Lawrence’s blatant desecration of a sacred Hawaiian space during filming, yeah fuck this movie.

We begin on the Avalon. It’s a futuristic ship modeled after futuristic ships we’ve seen in better movies

You do the Lord’s work, Finger.

Yeah, thats just creepy af.

Thank you for your service and for saving me fifteen bucks.