I have a number of college students whose parents track their phones and call (over and over again) if the student isn’t where the parent thinks she should be (and, yes, they are all young women). 

“Then night falls and I wonder why there are so many hours in a single day and what I’m expected to do with them.” What does this even mean?

My dieting in-laws will wrap anything in a slice of bacon and put cheese on things that have no business being covered in cheese but will look askance at a blueberry or a sweet potato. It’s fucking nuts.

Lady, how did you marry a person who treats your own sister like a subhuman because of her weight? Y’all need therapy yesterday. 

I got my tomato seedlings in the ground and put my trellis up for the new crimson jasmine I bought! It’s been surprisingly cold down here in the south this weekend but at least we haven’t been running the AC. 

I can’t even think about Dancer in the Dark without tearing up. What a fucking brutal movie. 

“The problem is that there are no universal understood rules anymore.” There never have been. It’s just that people are talking about it now. 

So I haven’t been on a lot of dates. My twenties were mostly friendly bar hook-ups that led to relationships. However, when I was in undergrad after a semester of flirting disguised as high-level classroom banter, a cute guy actually asked me on a date. We went downtown to get some food and when we were walking home a…

I can drink now with moderation because I’m not drinking to drown out how much I hate the people I’m hanging out with and the social situation I’m stuck in. My 20's became a dash to find ANY substance (first weed, then alcohol, then cocaine, then Adderall, then Xanax—repeat) that would make me feel like I belonged…

I see you’ve never slept with a straight man. 

The difference between sleeping with a man who was raised on internet porn vs. one who wasn’t is extraordinary. One is interested in recreating awful, uncomfortable things they saw online and the other is possibly interested in your pleasure. It’s wild. Yes, sometimes non-pornified sex is awkward, painful, and lacks…

I worked at one of the only nice restaurants in a small college town. We would be booked about two weeks in advance and that meant that for two weeks I had to return and answer phone calls from jerks who waited until the last minute to make Valentine’s Day reservations. Not my favorite time of year.  

An HOA was a dealbreaker for us. I can’t fathom why anyone lives in places with one. 

Same. Where I live, my mortgage (3, 1.5) is is one third the cost of a one bedroom apartment. Granted, I don’t live in an up-and-coming neighborhood and my square footage is very limited but you couldn’t pay me to rent again.

The maintenance cost and property tax (+ a hefty profit for the owner) are all worked into the rent. 

Ugh. “We have to save this website from authors whose lack of creativity compels them to find a new group of entirely innocuous people to shit on every week.”

I like being able to see what my friends are reading or have queued up. 

Same. I take no issue with people who use e-readers--they are just absolutely not for me. Reading has a weight, texture, and a spatial element to me. Things I read online just don’t stick as well. This is true of my work as well. I still have to print journal articles to make heads or tails of them. 

Ugh, my city’s library has so few books and there is a waitlist for any decent literary fiction that has come out in the last TEN years. 

THAT’S WHAT I USE TOO! I bought a box of it just in case they discontinue it.