Ahhhhhh bitches be nagging on their phones. Classic bitches!

I’ve got so many games in my backlog and then someone mentions Fallout and I’m like, well, better start another play through. I mean, Liam Neeson is your dad in it FFS!

I got to the basement and was like “what the fuck” and looked it up the internet and couldn’t sleep.

Every time I meet a new Gary or the name comes up, I say it in that creepy way.

That’s understandable. I don’t use cum a lot, I prefer jizz if I’m going that route, but pre-cum sounds a lot sexier than pre-ejaculate.

Still kinda pisses me off, because he was the hottest dude I’ve ever hooked up with. Jokes on him though, the very next year I did have a threesome...but with two dudes.

I use cum as a noun and come as a verb. Like “He came so hard I was covered in cum.” But that’s just me. Though if I’m doing “classy” writing, I usually just use seed or essence (it sounds so magical).

Me: Happy birthday! Hope you have a wonderful day!

I got a second degree sun burn on my face when I was 18 and went to an all day outdoor concert without sunscreen. I had blisters on my cheeks, it was so nasty. I’m just waiting for that to come back and haunt me.

So can I fart and be like “that was just my baby kicking...”? Even just on opposite day?

Team Every Bruise Shows Up Really Well!

I’m the fairest-skinned daughter in a family of four generations of women with malignant melanoma. If anything is going to kill me, it’s going to be that. Luckily I try to stay out of the sun, but I burn in 10 minutes if I forget sunscreen.

I mean, I live alone with four and am resisting the urge to adopt this adorable kitten named Alistair, but it doesn’t mean I want to be alone with my cats forever. They just need to invent a dating website called NoChildrenAll Cheese.com

This is my favorite sign ever.

I’ve logged nearly a thousand hours playing all three Dragon Age games.....it’s um....erotic fan fiction research.....

Having IBS, I’ve gotta be real candid about my poops. Common questions like “Why did you run out in the middle of our date?” “Where have you been, you missed half the movie?” “Why do you spend so much money on expensive toilet paper, the cheap stuff does the job, right?” “Why do you never eat during road trips?” “Did…

But without the Charmin bears, we would never get to see this Twitter exchange.

I’m taking my firm clitoris of discernment and sensitivity home for the day. RIP literature.

My dream guy (other than the bringing dead people alive). Hot, steady job, cute dog, amazing eyebrows.

Team Cake, mostly just because I am not a fan of pie crust in things other than savory pies. But I can get down on some graham cracker crust pie.