Not feeling the giving people food poisoning one, that's pretty fucked up. Send the bitch a damn bill for all the time you wasted.

Kit with short hair?... I'll allow it. Also, let's do sex, Kit.

Adam Levine Ruins Perfectly Nice Everything

If I did a photo shoot with him, you wouldn't even be able to see his face because my legs would be wrapped around it. It's a shame this movie is going to be hot garbage and every time he opens his mouth he spews hot garbage.

I will have to look into that. I'd hoped getting out of my early 20's would help clear up my skin, but no, giant zits in my 30's!

It's only libel if it isn't true....so is some unfortunate OB-GYN going to have to testify? :(

I've only had one in my entire life, but that's just because I'm broke all time.

I'm a twice a day shower monster. But I have really oily skin and feel like a walking french fry all the time.

My mom once used my fabric scissors to give our dog a haircut....

I'd probably start crying in the middle of the questions about how lonely I am, because I don't have any really close friends and I am not close with my family.

So this is like, in stores TODAY? *BRB pretending to be sick at work so I can leave and buy this*

Patting my uterus-free abdomen and saying "you did the right thing."

Well, I had to fuck Uncle Sam for my education (40K in debt from interest) but at least he wore a nice hat during the whole thing.

Thanks kids, for reconfirming my decision to never have kids!

Hmmm raspberry flavoring can be either really good or really bad. I'd have to do a test lick on.

The missing word was meet, but he did give her a hug too.

D. If it is cherry-flavored, but I'd be a no go if it was strawberry or watermelon.

The exact same thing happened to me, except the next day after I was stuck in a car for 12 hours driving up to my dad's wedding, where we had to hike 3 miles with the hippie minister who kept offering me dried apricots. But my sister got to Jared Leto, so it's all good!

When I was little my parents decorated my sister and my room with this adorable tulip wallpaper and even had little wooden tulips nailed to the wall. We took them down and played with them until the day I stepped on one of the nails.

Threw out my back on X-mas Eve when I tripped over a baby gate while holding a bowl of cereal. Fucked up back and milk soaked into the carpet.