Yep, same group. So surprising that #BringBackOurGirls hashtag did jack shit. Who'd have thought?

Well, break out the Ben Gay and scotch blanket-covered rocking chairs, I don't know who half these people are.... but I want all of them to get off my lawn.

Can we just Ctrl+Alt+Del the world? Or switch to a better operating system? It is 9 days into the year and almost every day has been full of people doing horrendous shit to one another.

That seems reasonable.

From now on, I am going to demand all sexual partners do a special dance for me. If they aren't up to snuff, they'll get the boot.

I used to work at a TV station that aired Friends in syndication twice a day. I had to watch every episode at least three times...it was horrible.

"Calm down!" is the best... I posted a gif, I didn't threaten to burn down the bridge you live under.

They are actually right below you in my thread.... *facepalm* Oh good, my palm is full of alcohol.

When I was six I went to a wedding and drank spiked punch and threw up red stuff all over the host's trampoline, so I'm in the NO KIDS camp.

Lannister West is pretty catchy tho. That's a fancy TV lawyer name.

If he insists on doing the dishes after you've cooked dinner together but proceeds to whip the dish towel at your ass

Glad I don't have to buy lube on the reg. The only time I've ever had to use it was when I was dating this dude whose dick was ridiculously girthy. Otherwise I've got a damn Amazon river down there. It is kinda annoying when I am not doing sexy times, feels like I sat in pudding :(.

*sigh* Why are all the Oregon-based stories on Jez so terrible and depressing? Is it the no sales tax thing? The rain? The salmon?

I'll have you know my son D'Loaf is now a lawyer!

God, this gives me anxiety and I had a hysterectomy at 20! I just can't deal with vag pain. I've been avoiding my gyno for an annual, but I really should go.

It looks like he just pointed to generic tattoos on the wall and was like "these'll be fine. just fine."

set them in a small pot of water to boil (element on MAX setting)

Damn it, all the times I've ordered penis and the Olive Garden hasn't brought me one! They're just lucky their breadsticks are kinda phallic!

Did you just copy and paste my Match profile on here? *crying in old lady rocking chair*

I just signed up for Match a few days ago. I'm committed for 3 months, so I don't wuss out when all the matches I get are gross old dudes with kids (I am already ready to bail). I'm paranoid that my profile is scaring off the few hotties on there. Or my photos aren't great, since I tend not to take great photos or…