My cats eat my hair, so when they have butt clingy poop, they just drag their asses on the carpet to get it off. They are assholes.

I was on my way to a big football game (serious BCS ranking implications). We parked and shortly after we got out of the car, while waiting for the rest of our group to arrive, I sharted. I took a gamble with a fart and it didn't pay off. It wasn't a lot of poo, but it was enough. When the rest of our group arrived,…

Ahhh, Cleo is a Savannah cat, that explains a lot.

I just moved into a basement apartment in an old Victorian that has assloads of spiders and other creepy crawlies. Pretty sure there was a black widow by my door that I sprayed a gallon on insect killer on. I am too scared to turn it over and look for the hourglass though. Kinda wanna move already.

Stewart, who got her inspiration while working in a dildo factory

Soooo, how does one acquire one of these passes? I mean, the Olive Gardens here are kinda far away, but I fucking love pasta, no matter how mediocre.

I was going to do "Not the Brees, Aghgghbahga, My Eyes, My Eyes, Aghhhgh" but you know, character limits.

Men in black trench/wool peacoats, men in aprons, men with long torsos, men who are cute with animals. Basically Lee Pace in Pushing Daisies.

*Sigh* I'm just gonna crawl in a hole and be lonely forever. Have men always been this bad? Did dudes used to send non-stop telegrams to women who refused their wooing? Did cavemen leave sabrecat poop outside sexy cavelady's houses for refusing to sit by the fire with them?

When I was watching this last night, I was just smiling and wanted to stand up and clap. This was perfect. Our walk to work isn't a performance!

Ricky Gervais' cat pictures are always so precious.

I have the cute freckles all over the rest of the my body, but my face is nothing but splotchy blobs of melanin. Fucking face!

I also pray for the day that the Skrillex half-shaved head slinks back into the hell-pit from whence it came.

I routinely skipped class, not to do bad shit, but to sleep. I'd sometimes sleep in my car if my Mom was home from work. I opted to go to college early as well, so I could take later classes. Now that I'm in my 30's I can finally get up a decent hour, but before then I could sleep til noon.

YESSSSS! DH Lawrence is one of my favorite authors.

Wait, if you dry hump people you can get free cake?! I know how I'm spending my weekend!

Going to have "He tossed my salad like his name was Romaine" engraved on my tombstone.

Midweek Madness gets me through the week. I feel less shitty about my job, thankful I don't have to write terrible tabloid rubbish all day.

Yeah, I feel the same.

Doree, no. Just no.