I blame Trump for the superfluous exclamation point at the end of the union’s tweet.  

Why, because their:

Screw these umps. I remember one time a guy made a call that totally screwed my team over. Wrong goddamn call. They’re dead to me.

Thoughts and prayers.

Good.

Good.

Maybe instead of wearing more flair they could get better at their fucking jobs.

How dare you impugn the completely fallible, overly aggressive idiots human element!

Are we sure they don’t just have carpal tunnel syndrome from jacking off to their sense of self-importance?

These men are heroes. I wore my yellow wristband every day for a year. Did it chafe? Yes it did. Did I take it off? Hell no. I kept it on until they cured cancer. Only then did I remove it.

Umpires are really embracing the snowflake label — no 2 strike zones are exactly the same.

When your wristband looks like you either just gave blood, were recently wounded, or even self-harmed, you’ve got a design problem.

There’s blame on many sides here. Many sides.

Nothing screams “LET’S GET RID OF HUMAN REFEREES” like a wristband dedicated to not doing your job well.

Fuck these guys. Bring on the robots.

“People are saying only five things were different on that page. I don’t know, but people, great people have called me. And, you know, they’re saying it. Five. It’s five things.”

Sometimes in the evening I hit a little THC and sit in genuine, silent astonishment that Donald Trump is the current president of the United States.

“More fake news from Highlights for Kids: I colored in the lines the best and am not a Goofus.”

Everyone knows that symbolic languages are superior. In 2050, we’ll type in nothing but.

If we’re still communicating via text, emoji will completely still be a thing in 50 years.