She bragged the other day about knowing more than I think she knows about sex. And I was like oh yeah? And she said yeah I know everything. I ride a bus, mom. So I asked her about anal beads.

Next time I see a guy in cargo pants I’m going to force him to build me a house. I mean, walking around looking all probably-owns-a-hammer...what did he think would happen? #CarpenterLookingAssBitch.

I am confused. Why would I force a person to play basketball with me if he/she was dressed like a basketball player? Does that happen? Forced basketballery?

A better question is, “You just found out your true love has been fucking a goat every three months. Are they still your true love?”

Are you then saying that you find the rest of the question perfectly reasonable?

i am not throwing away my - SHOP

I’m ...so in love with him.

*turns on HBO right now to wait for the john oliver segment about this on sunday*

Its not a bug, its a lizard.

Oh cum all ye faithful.

Speaking of TMZ, and to everyone who celebrates. L’Shana Tova

My family moved to a new town and I had a first day of school in kindergarten. I got seated next to kid I would realize was forever covered in cheetodust. That’s not thisstory.

My disembodied vagina don’t want none unless you are into vaginas and in particular my disembodied vagina and also only if you’re down in that moment and can give clear and sober consent.

The first day of kindergarten, I didn't know where the bathroom was, and when we went to our cubbies, I just couldn't hold it anymore and I peed everywhere. It basically exploded out of me. Everyone screamed and jumped away. My teacher had the take me to the office to wait for my mom to bring me new clothes. The worst…

Not my story but ... My husband and his brother attended the same experimental private school when they were small. One day my future brother-in-law decided to re-enact Jaws for his kindergarden class. To make things as realistic as possible, he jumped into the school’s koi pond and bit a live frog in two. Both boys…

I wanted to be a Natasha in the third grade ;( I asked my parents and they were like, “Cool, whatever (sarcasm)“ and I didn’t know how to begin this exciting process so I began writing it on all my homework, and my teacher had to pull me aside and tell me my name was Kristen. Womp woomp.

Okay, I think I’ve got this one on lock. Make sure you stick around for the end.

Ugh, I’m probably not going to win because grey, and late to the party, but I’m fucking genderqueer monarch of bizarre funeral stories. It’s my jam. I’m teaching an entire class on dying and death this semester and mostly I’m just telling funny death stories.

When my dad died we had a huge Irish wake following the funeral service. My sisters and I Irish danced growing up so we had all the girls we danced with perform, all the dads and brothers from dance in kilts, a keg of Guiness, the whole bit. After the dancing died down, my sister and some of her friends were hanging…

At my husband’s paternal grandmother’s funeral the ladies from Eastern Star were doing their readings. One of them misread that grandma had gone to the land of immorality (instead of immortality). My brother-in-law turns to us and asks, “Gee how do I get there?” I think if my mother-in-law could have killed with a…