Carson Wentz has already started drinking

This is actually an underrated rock bottom for poor Johnny Football: When a guy who has agreed to coach the Raiders AND Browns (taking the latter job when he was still reportedly a prime candidate with other, non-cursed franchises) decides that YOU are not worth trying to fix.

“Listen, head office said they felt bad for me, so they set me up with this gig and told me it was hourly. Now, I pride myself on doing the best job I can - but when you’ve got a two week window to get the thing done and they’re paying you for every minute you’re on that field, well, that’s an invitation to buy…

“Ya know, most people don’t know this, but ya take a horse and ya add a stray whisker here and fang there, and in no time at all you got yourself a really big cat. It’s pretty much what He-Man rode around on, but I’m not quite sure about those fur shorts. The key to good animal husbandry is proper ventilation.”

How about the TV flashes red at me when I am contemplating opening that pivotal one-too-many beers for a weeknight?

+1 because I tried it once

Trying to get the girl by dressing exactly like her dad? That’s rookie shit

“Riley, I too am a pawn in a game I don’t quite comprehend or control. The tall overlords told me to show you this.”

Jungle Gym Fever

You are certainly bringing pouting nationwide.

(sends Jason Maxiell into 12 major Chinese banks) (within hours, 90% of American debt is forgiven)

“Remember that time I dunked over a car?!” - Blake Griffin

“You didn’t dunk over a car.” - Matias Testi

“I did so, you idiot! It was the 2011 Slam Dunk Contest!” - Griffin

“Yeah, I remember. That wasn’t a car — that was a Kia Optima.” - Testi

*Griffin punches Testi repeatedly*

+1 upsmanship

Equipment Manager: “I have nothing to say, officer. I ain’t gonna dime anyone out.”

Testi wanted Blake arrested but couldn’t resist a chance to be the bigger man.

Whoa nelly.

What’s the big deal? This was only like 3% more depressing than any of the other Cub games that Scott watched.

This morning, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman went on Calgary Eyeopener to discuss the Flames’ proposal

NO CONSIDERATION FOR BEING HIT BY A CAR, REALLY.