Thanks!

So, this is, like, not a super fun story. Maybe trigger warnings?

I was meeting my best friend in Istanbul a few years ago, arriving two nights before she did. I had booked the cutest little hotel near the Blue Mosque and was just super excited about the whole thing. When I arrived at the hotel, the very cute clerk…

Oh GOD that whispered “Be careful.” I’ll never forget that. 

So was Rory Stewart actually Not Terrible, or did he only seem to be Not Terrible in that company? I’m not sensitive enough to the nuance to be sure. 

Nah, he’s always been like this. Used to buy beepers in bulk in the 90s. I think the guy at radio shack thought he was a kingpin!

Nah, he’s always been like this. Used to buy beepers in bulk in the 90s. I think the guy at radio shack thought he…

Step one: Be my dad. 

Step one: Be my dad. 

I don’t recall the Stonewall Uprising or the Civil Rights Movement being icons of bipartisanship.

The *legislative* process might have been bipartisan, but the demands sure as shit weren’t. 

Leo “reached for his vaporizer and a pair of noise-canceling headphones, laid back and closed his eyes and signaled for her to keep going.”

No idea if it’s similar to Esther’s mom’s recipe, but I make this 40 times a summer. 

You’re not small, please never let them make you feel small. You’re great and will only become greater as you shed their influence. 

Oh, friend, I am so sorry. You are not the creature that your dysfunctional family tried to make you. You are lovely, and smart, and all the things they didn’t see in you. I admire you from afar; you’re funny and insightful as hell. You are not the small things your family made you into, you are amazing. I like and…

Andy, you okay? I’ve just had acute attacks of depressive and panic disorders, so I feel you if things are bad and you just need to have someone tell you that you’re okay and it’s not as bad as you feel like it might be. 

The upside is that if you get gross vibes from somebody, you can just delete your account and it’s like you never existed. I found it a lot lower-stress than OKC. Of course, it’s a lot more explicitly about banging, so that might not be something you’d be into! 

Want a weird one? I met my fiance on Reddit, looking for partners to write smut with.

Had to kiss a lot of frogs before I met a good ‘un, though. 

Do you know, does that person’s state have alternative driving skills tests? I was able to buy a thing where there was a package deal: Ten hours of driving lessons with this guy and then he administered the test; the only time the DMV was involved was me running up the paperwork and getting the license. Getting a…

I had to call on a then-boyfriend for this once when I had chronic c. diff and ruptured something. That relationship was never going to survive my illness, but I think that might have been the nail in the coffin. Thank you so much for taking care of your fella. I can’t tell you how much my caregivers helped when I was…

I don’t think it’s calling out misogyny that’s the problem with Cyrus, though. She showed up with her Disney princess credibility, stole a bunch of stuff she liked from hip hop (including some fairly gross hypersexualization, in my opinion!), made her money, then turned around and rubbished the whole genre.

I highkey really hope Mindy Kaling’s daughter’s dad is BJ Novak.

Thank you for joining me for this episode of my podcast, Things That Are None Of My Fucking Business. 

If I showed up to a first date showing tons of skin, that would set a very bad tone for the date.

Back in my day, “modesty ponchos” were just called condoms.