It, like, never occurred to me that Planet Hollywood actually serves food. I thought it was just there for cocktails and punchlines. 

I’m so glad I could tip you to this culture war before you could accidentally wander into it! 

Are bobcats scarier than bears? Or only when you stink like fish?

Hah, I once had a summer job like that, except it was editing a vanity directory of “the best” professionals.

I tried to lecture the other editors on how to look busy after they took a 90 minute coffee break. They bullied me horribly for the rest of the summer.

I deserved it.

Good God. I hope you got to marry a Victorian hottie out of this arrangement, at least!

This is actually part of a minor culture war -- this kind of cleverness is called “ni**er-rigging” by certain awful people in the South, and “redneck engineering” by other, better people. Both terms describe poverty-motivated cleverness, but in this case, “redneck couch moving” tells me that non-racist southerners…

I actually got really attached. They’re surprisingly good pets!

Oh my God, you might have just cracked a 15-year-old cold case.

It was bonkers; it was a corner two-bedroom, the priciest unit, so I assume they were trust fund babies who were expecting the maid to do it. Fortunately, they also left the a/c on max, so the stench was only ghastly instead of fatal. 

I worked for residence life at my university. In exchange for summer housing and some pocket change, I just had to go through the move-outs and take notes about what people had fucked up in their dorms:

1. Bottle of bleach on the carpet, a/c off, abandoned ~2 weeks? It was...pungent.
2. Someone dry-shaved their…

A modest proposal: Colonoscopies should be required 72 hours before Missouri state senators are allowed to legislate.

We might even find their heads. 

You are good, you are worthy. What happened to you doesn’t make you less. I hope you are well, as you deserve to be.

(That’s what I need to hear sometimes. I hope some of it helps you, friend.) 

Gentle only in comparison — I imagine what was done to me was several orders of magnitude less damaging than what was done to E. Doe above, if only because I chose not to interact with the criminal justice system. (That, of course, forms a spire of guilt on its own.)

Thank you for your encouragement to seek help. I…

Oh, thank you for the kind and affirmative words. Happily, it was a lot of years and a lot of therapy ago. 

Imagine looking at the people who buy $6,000 purebreads, scoffing, and deciding “I can be a MUCH bigger piece of shit.” 

In the context of my rape, I was lucky. It was gentle — a hand on my throat, not a knife or a gun. It left me unscathed — only bruising on my face and the urge to self-harm, no PTSD or anything that required the emergency department. I was too young to get pregnant. I was able to hide it, so only a lifetime of…

Do you think

If Meghan tripped over a cord

And her chin hit the View’s set

She would shatter and the kleig lights would cook her sunny-side up?

Oh God, can you imagine meditating on your rape for a book-length of time?

If I think about mine more than 40 seconds I need a Klonopin. 

Joe Biden is here, women, to save you!

No, he’s not here to save you from forced childbirth, you fickle bitches. He’s just here to save you from a narrowly-defined idea of partner violence, that certainly doesn’t include trans or nonbinary women.

What do you mean, you cunts aren’t grateful? Don’t you want Donald Trump…

In fairness, a lot of literate people can’t pronounce taoiseach; Irish is fucking hard. I’ve been trying for years and still can’t get the vowel in dáil quite right.