At least he didn’t subject the poor children to eating jackfruit. Now that’s a fireable offense

I hop this doesn’t happen again.

My kid calls boneless wings, ‘nuggets for grownups’.

I was fired from my first job over breastfeeding.

“He would even unclip my nursing bra for me and say, ‘Thank you, mommy,’ afterward.”

Hopefully the Queen will let the woman eat some damn pasta now! 

I would like to meet all those to whom this came as a genuine shock and unlooked for result and offer them some truly fantastic investment opportunities with this Nigerian prince I know.

President Donald Trump: —of years. They say that we had hurricanes that were far worse than what we just had with Michael.
Lesley Stahl: Who says that? “They say”?
President Donald Trump: People say. People say that in the—
Lesley Stahl: Yeah, but what about the scientists who say it’s worse than ever?
President Donald…

It kinda puts all that doomsday Climate Change news into perspective.

rampant gossip and speculation about his mental health

My BFF is a funeral director, and childless. When someone asks her this question, usually an older relative, she asks in the sweetest voice, when are you planning on dying. 

part of sentence he has to listen to Ja Rule for entire duration

I saw the video of the people who went to this festival. This was a victimless crime.

Rose McGowan thinks #MeToo is bullshit because she’s not its spotlight anymore and hasn’t made as much money off of it.

I wanted one of these so badly back in the day:

Who kept stopping for snacks and ordering lame ass cheese plates and when the bill came, each one of those fucks was on their phone.

I don’t socialize, don’t “Venmo,” and at work lunches, insist on a separate check (my tip increases to cover the inconvenience). Having friends is the worst.  Get off my lawn.

Is this really a question for Salty? I feel like this column is a good place to thrash out questions of restaurant etiquette and get some insider info from someone in the service industry that could help make your life easier. But this is just a thing a friend of a friend did. You need to figure out how important is…

Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. Three shots of tequila in two hours? That's like lunch on a Tuesday.

I set a supervisor's coat on fire and woke up in the bed of one of the dudes from Vampire Weekend (he was on tour and not present).