For the record, I was the only Jezebel staffer who watched the entire 5SOS video looking like this:

You're totally correct. New babies only exist for about 4 hours a day when they're first born.

The baby porcupine better be named "Macduff"

Added so that the relevant reply would be connected to this post.

I have no opinion of Lea Michele. I don't watch Glee and I don't give a single shit about musical theatre. I'm nobody's fangirl. But I can't help but recognise that there is something fundamentally foul and inhuman in insinuating that someone whose partner has recently died in horribly tragic circumstances is a liar…

Idris Elba as Shere Khan??

Yup! It's a thing. One time during an exam my doctor was doing her feeling around thing, and goes "huh, that feels like...is that a cyst?...wait, do you by chance have to use the bathroom?" I respond "yeah..." Doctor - "ah, very well. Not a cyst. Carry on."

Children will be henceforth referred to as "wombbusters" and abortion will be henceforth referred to as "nuking from orbit (it's the only way to be sure)."

For that price you could just hire someone to hide in your house and throw oranges across the room.

You want a shirt that fits a 9 year old girl?

It took me half a second to realize that the house at her feet is intended to be an architect's model, & not her house.

Nope. If I were in charge of Jezebel, every story would be a 50,000 word meditation on one of the fine movies in Burt Reynolds vast film catalog and the site skin would be a collage of Burt through the ages. And we would "Burt-zebel." Obviously.

I wonder how many clown caskets they were able to fit into the clown hearse.

Bitches love hooks. That's why stags have antlers.

Today is @SarahPalinUSA's birthday. Probably watching the Olympics from her house.

"Look at the lift on Johann Eisenheimer's scrotum! He's going to get a good 50 foot bonus!"

Sheltie!!!!!!!!!

I am just absolutely confused by this entire debacle.

Dear haters,