MJ wouldn't have tried to regrow his hair.

How weird. Bill Simmons routinely questions the integrity of an ESPN partner. How often has he accused the NBA of rigging the draft lottery? I mean, he probably makes 50 references to the NBA rigging the lottery per year. That's a direct assault on the integrity of that league with no evidence whatsoever. …

Wow, how blunt of her.

And the unedited tape shows Rice presenting a box of chocolates, tenderly brushing his wife's hair from her face and going on blended knee to proclaim his infinite love.

What that tells me is hardly anyone is watching Outside The Lines regularly, which makes me kind of sad.

Considering Goodell got paid $44M last year - more than twice what the highest paid player in his league made - I'd say it's reasonable to hold him to a pretty high standard of conduct, and it's reasonable to fire him if he fails to live up to it by, for example, lying to the media.

I demand payment for this story. If payment can't be arranged, then I demand a free pizza for this story. If a free pizza can't be arranged, then I demand a day-old sandwich for this story.

PERSONAL CONDUCT 2: THIS TIME IT'S PERSONAL (CONDUCT POLICY)

Goodell: I'm sorry, baby. You know I didn't mean it. Give me another chance. It'll be different this time. I promise.

It is sad when the most sage voices in our society are comedians as opposed to the news anchor.

"And then I shall rip open your femoral artery with my razor sharp talons," says the adorable baby owl.

My father had 6 kids by 4 women, and was the most useless sack of shit I've ever had the misfortune of knowing, and even he bragged about how many kids he had . Of course, he knew nothing about any of us because he was totally uninvolved in our lives, but by his standards, blowing a load and creating life was as far…

Refusing to or being unable to say how many children you have is a pretty bad sign for your parenting. I think my father was a little apprehensive when he was directly asked and had to tell people I quit the swim team in high school I don't think he ever had trouble admitting my existence.

Apparently he's never admitted how many he has, even when asked directly, which is beyond bizarre. He had 5 for sure, including the one that was killed, and another woman claims to have another two by him, making 7.

What's the penalty for using a different racial slur, such as "Redskin"?

Nothing new for the NFL to look at a video and then do nothing about it.

Don't you hate when you walk back to your car after shopping, pop the trunk to put the groceries inside, and come face to face with the corpse of your neighbor? That will ruin your whole afternoon! And it's what one woman in Los Angeles says happened to her at a local Walmart.

Pretty sure it's "National Football League".

I guess you're stuck with him all day.