I’ll be in the lounge chair next to you with the pitcher of (barely acceptable before noon) alcoholic drink and a few hounds of my own that we can watch while they jump in the pool and swim around. My apology bonus will last until my liver gives out or I drown while drunkenly frolicking with the hounds in the pool,…

He’s on till September, when he leaves for GMA. I haven’t watched an episode of this BS since probably 2002, but I kinda wanna tune in out of hope of seeing some super awkward banter and the most deadly sideeye imaginable from Ripa.

We don’t know each other, and I’m of limited inclination to give you my resume to convince you that I was always a person who was “doing the right thing and going somewhere.” But let’s suffice it to say that I have more degrees than most people, my only significant debt is my mortgage, and I had never gotten a B on a…

Yes, you are right and I agree with you.

Tattoos hardly indicate anything.

Maybe she saw an opportunity for even more self-promotion.

Wow, that is horrible. I’m not a huge fan of reality TV but, while I get the trashy appeal of a Real Housewife flip a restaurant table, why on earth would I want to witness a stranger’s last moments as he dies in pain?

I really like your use of coded racist words.

“hoot and holler”

You’re a racist asshole. Rethink your life choices.

Sit. Down. No-one has time for you.

OK, Cartman. Yes, people in positions of minor authority are never wrong. Black ppl are always loud and obnoxious. OK. Shouldn’t you be in the comments on the Harriet Tubman post ranting about why we are giving a criminal who stole other people’s property a spot on the bill you use to by your generic lube?

I actually remember when my high school boyfriend’s much older brother got a GPS for his car and I thought it was so dumb. Just read a map! I thought. Now I can’t drive without having a GPS on.

True, but this man did get out of an underwater car and then ask if he should get back inside.

Nah, fuck that. I’m judging away and completely and rightfully so. This idiot drove up to a completely flooded underpass where there were A. NO OTHER CARS, B. CLEARLY WARNING SIGNS/ROADBLOCKS AND C. A GODDAMNED TELEVISION NEWS CREW FILMING THE FLOOD and he thought “Eh, fuck it, I’m just gonna keep going.” He deserved…

When my sister moved to Texas, on like day two a six foot rattlesnake showed up on her doorstep and wouldn’t leave. Eventually they called the police, and a bunch of sheriff’s deputies showed up. They took turns trying to beat it with a shovel to no avail. Eventually they shot it in the head, spattering venom all over…

I hope your mom made him sleep in the ruins with all the horses standing around glaring at him.

I hate to generalize, but...

I told two of my close friends about what happened. One said he had essentially raped me. The other said it doesn’t count as rape because even though I said it hurt, I didn’t say it forcefully enough.

In the immortal words of Nelson Muntz: