Let me share with you an epiphany I had a few days ago, after a 23 year-old piece of shit wrote to me to tell me I'm ten years too old:

I'm 37. Most of the guys my age are looking for a woman "25-32" or so.

I love "Applause." I hated everything from her previous album.

Oops, the only movies I saw last year were FAILs. However, one of them was Star Trek Into Darkness, and even though the women don't talk to each other, Zoe Saldana kicks ass, so there's that.

OK, I just changed my main photo to a full-body shot. Bring it on, guys.

Rule #2: Don't be old. Women are old if they are over 34.

It's not about a legal expectation of privacy. It's about a human expectation of decency.

Nobody died on Apollo 13. "Houston, we've had a problem" reminds people of a triumph.

It totally gets easier. The first time a guy initiated sexting with me, I freaked and told him I had to get some sleep, because I had no idea what to write. The next time, same guy, I just went for it.

I'm really surprised such an expensive car was offered in such an "easy" game. The chance of winning is essentially 1/5, correct? Maybe a little less with the temptation to quit, but it really shouldn't be a temptation because the value of the gamble even after the first pick is almost $40,000.

You're more likely to be called to "come on down" if you're jiggling.

FedEx misdelivered two huge boxes to my door, meant for my house number, next street over. If it had been a small thing, I'd have just carried it over, but it was huge, and I was new to the neighborhood and didn't know the people to call them.

Awful. Beyoncé was four years old when the Challenger exploded. I'm sure she doesn't remember it. So maybe she should watch the footage. I don't mean the sanitized version we've all seen a zillion times. The uncut TV footage is on YouTube and it is horrible and gut-wrenching. I tried to watch it once a few years…

A big problem is that anything in a vending machine may stay there for a long time and thus must be full of preservatives.
My workplace switched to "healthy" vending machine food, which accomplished two things: it reduced sales to the point where the company may remove the machine, and it pissed everybody off. Plus,…

True. My pitch is fine, but my voice is teensy. Small range and difficulty making it loud. The best thing I ever did for my voice was take up the flute. Great for breathing.

If I have to pick the thing I dislike most about myself, it's that I'm lazy. I can't get out of bed in the morning. I'm always racing the clock to get to work on time. I sleep into the afternoon on weekends, so I never get out to do anything.

There are definitely plenty of people who use OKC for long-term dating. There are definitely plenty of people who use OKC to find partners for casual sex.

The worst is when you send something, but never get acknowledgment, so there's that nagging worry that maybe they didn't get it. But you can't ask, because then it's like requesting a thank you.

I hate talking on the phone. Ergo I don't like when people call to thank me for things. And it's excruciating for me to make the call myself. So if I were to call someone to say thank you, that would be a significant gesture!

I discovered this year that my worst hangovers and my worst migraines are completely indistinguishable from each other. In related news, I'm never drinking tequila again.