Someone's never been to Deadspin....

Possibly the first Gawker Media writer to actively request dick pics...

my mother has deluded herself into thinking that i will remain a virgin until marriage despite the fact that i keep making out with guys & super touchy with them in front of her just to give her a clue.

Here's the proud papa

Meet Natalia Kills and Willy Moon

Dude if that looks belongs to her husband alone I have fucked her husband like, 12 times.

My friend told me it wasn't as good as his earlier shows, but my friend is kind of a dudebro and most definitely stoned all the time, so I'm gonna watch it myself and make up my own mind.

Sounds good to me. Like, the werewolf mask fills all sorts of uses. You can rob a bank! Use is as a costume! Weird sex stuff! You're just multitasking up in that closet! However, I have two types of judges robes in my closet because my mom knows I love costumes and buys me weird shit so I might not be the best judge?

I've never been sent a love letter. I don't think love emails probably count although I could maybe print them out in a fancy font. My wardrobe has old paintings, yarn, and a werewolf mask. How's my adulting? Call 0800-1-D0NT-KN0W-WHAT-1M-D01NG

Because nothing screams dignity like someone taking a picture of you without permission in order to portray your life situation as a dire absurdity in contrast with the product they're trying to advertise.

I have had grown adults throw tantrums because we wouldn't take photos of them serving the homeless people, nor would we let them photograph the clients. We have a designated group of our regular volunteers who would walk through the meal line up for photographs - and even them, only their hands were photographed.…

He has the face of a guy that does stuff like this often.

My husband stepped on my dress a few times, but I had it bustled so it wasn't that bad.

We did the foxtrot to "Somewhere Beyond the Sea" by Bobby Darrin. We got married in Tobago. It was awesome.

The picture we have framed from our wedding?

The scene: Horrible abusive relationship. The inevitable morning after the all too familiar horrific night before. I am packing my bags. Unfortunately not for the first time, and not for the last.

This is Fred. I found him in a garbage can outside of my law school at 2AM. When my roommate and I walked past him he literally jumped out of the garbage and followed us to the car and jumped in.

This is Captain Cuddles. My friend fostered him and then adopted him. He's been in and out of foster several times, and had adhesions on his eye due to a series of infections he had as an even smaller baby. Thankfully the ASPCA was able to remove the adhesions, and he has stereo vision now and everything!

I don't have puppy stories, but does this koala help?

Jeebus, is it Shitty Dad Day on Jezebel? Please tell me this is the last of these articles for at least today.