You can buy my preserved tears of terror from watching Return to Oz for like a tenth of that price...

The 17th century was really crappy.

I mixed rum + pineapple + bourbon and I am pretending it’s a tiki drink. ALSO I want to mix this with a good candy bar...

Can it become a horror movie just so they can call it Trap or Treat?

Lindsey Lohan is all of us when we were 19-years-old and in front of the display of cubic zirconia rings at Kohl’s.

Wait is that a Tiger Woods joke?

Can somebody explain why she uses a golf club during her shows? Is there a song about putt-putt?

THIS. Expect to burst into tears about dumb shit you never thought twice about, like mittens.

That’s my drug of choice (when I am hyperventilating over whether or not I should get a burrito which is a real thing I have had panic attacks over)!

as somebody with anxiety (like legit, a doctor gave me a note kind, not I read about it on tumblr kind), I can pretty much say you can’t die of anxiety or panic attacks.

A few years ago, when my boyfriend and I were doing some spring cleaning, I realized my favorite shirt got sent to the thrift store. I was super upset as I LOVED that shirt and would wear it at least once a week.

#IstandwithRusteyrantMongagers

Wait. what?

Wait. Does Gaga dye her eyebrows? Why would anyone do that?

TURTLE STORY:

This seems like a good time to bring back my turtle story....

When I got married, the photographer we were originally going to used told me I had to spend all morning taking photos like this; then some more during the cocktail hour.

The hardest moment of my LIFE: picking between the bottle opener and the pizza cutter.

I thought because it was giving people vertigo...

I hope you’re being serious, because I totally do this for nail polish and tights.