If you ask me, wars are basically just a penis measuring contest anyways, so we might as well just fuck it out. The war in Afghanistan would have been over years ago if it just became a game of soggy waffles.

Best. War. Ever.

See, you put actual thought into the translation to the screen! I just said, "fuck it, make it porn."

I once dated a guy who kissed like a horse. There were teeth involved.

Frenchie is too fabulous for that lawsuit.

Never trust a man with highlights. Or frosted tips.

I want James Deen to play Christian Grey. And Sascha Gray to be Anastasia for the irony. Really, the movie just has to be porn.

RISING SUPERSTAR

Why pay for a cream? I get foreskin all over my face every time my boyfriend comes to visit.

YES YES EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS. He still maintains that he doesn't wear eyeliner, lulz.

Yeah, but if it's sent as a text, I'm much more likely to look at it, therefore making it more effective.

Just want to take this time to remind you all that Mad Development exists.

I have a tendency to stay up super-late, so I have an automatic text sent to me at 10:30 PM on weekdays saying "stop dicking around and go to bed."

Nah, I can feel a difference. It's subtle, but it's there. But I am not responsible enough to take the pill at the same time every day, so we double up.

As someone who has had oral sex performed on her for over an hour, I can attest that it is NOT pleasant experience. If nothing is happening after 30 minutes, you should probably stop.

Man, gay references don't go against Atlanta "community standards." This place is super-gay. Not to mention that Gilbert could print off a piece of paper that said "GAYPWR" and it would look as professional as the new GA license plates.

I only buy coffee at a shop as a celebration or for the privilege of sitting in the shop to get work done. I figure that $2 is a fair price for two hours of wifi and human interaction.

"I was just being something" is the poor man's "Wanna be Startin' Something."

Being an asshole adds 20 years.

I think that's how middle age bicuriousness happens.