Do you think that the parking officer who puts the unit onto your windshield doesn’t write down your car’s license plate number and other pertinent info? Do you actually believe that your brilliant little plan would really work?

They didn’t spend all that time searching for cheese. They spent that time searching for the employees. Reading comprehension is important.

What kind of African American parents name their son Arian??? Seriously, wtf is that shit? That would be like my Jewish buddy naming his son Notsy...

Here’s my proposal. (We get Alaska & Hawaii, too, btw...)

It’s not. It’s just as racially-neutral as “con artist” or “scammer”.

I prefer to keep my balls nicely shaven...

Or, you know, you could exercise a modicum of self-control and not utilize those features. Just a thought...

When you wrote “universally shit movies”, I merely suspected you have horrible taste.

When you wrote “universally shit movies”, I merely suspected you have horrible taste.

They’re not appearing for me, either...

They’re not appearing for me, either...

That is not a spatula. It is a rubber scraper. It never ceases to amaze me how many people don’t know this.

That is not a spatula. It is a rubber scraper. It never ceases to amaze me how many people don’t know this.

It would be super rad if either of the camera angles in the video actually showed the kick. Because I’ll bet it would fun to see it...

Because you hate fun things that are happy and heart-warming?

It’s hard to take anything you write about astromechs seriously when you keep getting the name of the fictitious manufacturer wrong. It’s Industrial Automaton. Pronounced “aw-TAH-muh-TAWN”. It’s an old-timey word for “robot”. It’s spelled correctly, of course, and the Wookieepedia entry you linked to, yet somehow you…

I’ve seen several of these stampede videos by this point, since PG was released, and there’s something I still don’t understand: Are all those people running like that competing to catch one single Pokemon? The article mentions a “Snorlax”. I am correct in assuming that the game’s mechanics shows the same monster(s)…

I feel so bad for that Ferrari owner! It must feel miserable to have a penis that shockingly small...

You must hire pretty gross hookers...

But... ...jokes are supposed to be funny. That’s not even all that clever, much less worthy of all the adulations and applause it got. I guess the bar over here at Deadspin is really looooowwwww......

Okay..... But that doesn’t clarify what the joke is, or why so many people are rolling in the aisles.

She forfeited her dignity when she married that shriveled apricot covered in Cheeto dust.