This guy survived World War II.

The first problem is, it’s Santa Clarita, which is objectively terrible. I mean, it’s not Bakersfield terrible, but good God, it’s like suburbia vomited.

Fuck the New England Patriots.

I love the Phoenix Open so much. It makes me proud to be a Phoenician.

The reason the incidence of cardiovascular issues didn’t increase among Cardinals fans following that goddamn Santonio Holmes catch is because we were shocked as shit they made it to the Superbowl in the first place. It’s not that we don’t care; it’s just that all the heart attacks happened following the win against…

How bad a fart did you rip in the Jalopnik offices to make this happen?!

For Torch to suggest a Zimmer so soon after his thesis on the Cars homunculi suggests that he is not well. Has anybody seen him lately? Are his beard and fingernails trimmed? Is he urinating in milk bottles that he keeps by the door? Is he turning into Howard Hughes?

Oh, it totally sucks ass. Even worse if a Chief gets hold of you.

Coffin filler. I think that would be an excellent job for Steve Bannon.

That is a ridiculously good looking car.

I’m a Navy officer. I’m quite certain there will be no punitive measures.

Well, then, I guess nobody should be surprised when Gamestop at long last goes the way of Blockbuster...

I do, and once upon a time I drove a Volvo 850 to 185,000 miles, so I absolutely understand how the game is played. Worth it.

Let’s see... by the time I’m ready to trade in the X1, a brand new V90 CC will be let’s say four and a half years old...

I’m super glad these crapcans never made it to production. If I had to ride behind one of these down I-64 with one of those damn Kentucky “FRIENDS OF COAL HURHURHURHURHUR FUCK THE AIR” license plates on it, I’d probably be in jail.

I’ve been trying for the last five minutes to come up with some sort of response to this, and the best I’ve been able to get is:

I would definitely not join the military right now, that’s for damn sure.

Friend with an ‘89 M5 had his S38 go super-kablooey. It was freakin’ spectacular how kablooey it went.

They’re not. But 30,000 mile maintenance on a 2013 X1 set me back $650. Do you realize how many packages of ramen noodles that is?