Peanut butter, by federal safety standards, may have up to 210 or more insect fragments per 700 grams, an average-size jar of peanut butter. But that's just the insect part. That same average jar of peanut butter may also contain up to seven whole rodent hairs at no extra charge before it's considered unsanitary.

Oh, Spanx! I was hoping she had just misspelled the word.

Seriously, what are "spontaneous" identical triplets? They were birthed without any intervention? They're good at parties with quick and witty one-liners? They think on their feet? They just suddenly appeared in the mother's womb? Is this like a virgin birth (whatever that actually is, and I know of a couple…

Well sure, and I was jokingly making a stab at other ways to separate men and women on airliners. I have several friends who are Orthodox, and even they think the Hassids are weird, but hey, freedom of religion and all that! L'chaim!

You can show yourself out.

No, it was a Hassidic Jewish man.

Or, Saudia could handle it this way (but I won't hazard a comment on which gender goes in the bag).

MAN LOSES PENIS WHILE FORCIBLY MOUTH-FUCKING A CARP, WHICH MISTOOK IT FOR A WORM.

And sometimes it's true that a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

Them three.

Joy for Christmas. Food for Thanksgiving. Fire bad.

One eats a Thanksgiving meal much like the joke Jake Gittes tells in Chinatown:

Thanks for sharing ... a little TMI and I don't mean Three Mile Island. But thanks. Did you get to keep the car?

Thank you.

Like people who pay any attention to Sarah Palin don't eat at fast-food restaurants. Or sumpin' ...

Oh get a fuckin' mistress, ferchrissakes. And shut up.

Is this a thing? Really?

So Manuel Noriega isn't dead, which is what I've thought for some time? Shows you how stupid I am, duh, he said prëemptively!

These guys have nothing on the Belgians ...