I turned 26 recently and it’s still not a big deal. I was just thinking yesterday that I’m already considered old enough that I should be buying anti-aging creams. Fuck that - I hope I never come to care about my age.

I’m pushing 40 and I haven’t figured it out yet!

To be fair, I kinda feel the same way right now. I’m not ready to turn 24 in a few months! I don’t know how to be a proper adult yet!

The woman in the room next to my aunt’s in the rest home taunted her “enemy” into bitchslapping her in the dining hall so that the enemy would be kicked out. It worked, and now she is gloating about her successful plan.

Trust me, that’s totally true. I’m 64 and definitely out of fucks to give.*

Former bingo hall employee here. I never heard of any slashed tires (probably because the lot was patrolled by security), but I have seen drinks thrown, lit cigarettes jabbed at faces and at least one fistfight in the aisles over people sitting in seats that “aren’t theirs”. Bingo enthusiasts be crazy.

Once again proving my theory that once you’ve gone over the hill, all the fucks you had to give are gone as well.

You’re the best, as always! In lieu of flowers, please accept this link. http://the-toast.net/2013/11/04/mal…

You know what book sucked? Middlemarch. It’s like, can you bitches shut up about your periods for ten seconds? God!

Pffft. Books about ladies can’t be harrowing tales of what war does to a man. To his very soul.

Kids are hilarious! They have no filters and they think bodies are the funniest things in the world, especially parts they don’t personally have.

My sweet 5-year-old likes to run around naked wearing only a belt, which she ties so that it has a long piece dangling out in front, a piece which she calls her fake penis.

God, people are a trip. A dollar fortune at a dog festival and you want to ask about your divorce?

This is so cute! Paw readings. I love it!

Y’all, I have a bit of a doozy.

Not me but my girlfriend. Apparently some rather popular teenager used to have my gf’s number, or currently has a number very similar, and she get’s texts and what not from strange teens a lot. So she was once invited to the group chat of a bunch of girls discussing the team name and design for the t-shirt for their…

So about ten years ago when my son was around 13 we had to go to Lowe’s for about the tenth time in two weeks – this time for paint for the bathroom. As we walked in, knowing my son’s commitment to a role, smarts, and incredible precocity, I told him the plan that had just occurred to me. He agreed.

Back in the day, I was often told that with my big 80s perm-curly red hair and similar features that I bore a resemblance to Tawny Kitaen from the Whitesnake video. So one night some girlfriends and I were out at a club and these guys were buying us drinks because they had somehow been led to believe that I was the…

When I was about 13, I pretended to be a soon to be mother on a baby name message board. I really liked baby names at the time (girl names only, der), carefully maintaining lists for all my future children. This was back around 2001 so it was a very primitive message boards, but I was extremely active, becoming a top…

I pretended to be straight for 20 years. Does that count?