Sweet! I have a related theory - based on no research or evidence - that when kids are only exposed to sanitized conflict-free entertainment it fucks them up because it doesn't teach them to expect or prepare for problems.

Yup, I always change the last line to "And daddy will catch you, cradle and all." :-)

I always add "but Mommy will catch you" to the end of rockabye baby.

Duh, tired parents hate their newborns by the end of the day. These are fantasies!

See, Human parents of human children have laws they have to follow, because they are people. People who can grow up to help or change the world. Those little humans are going to be able to become productive and contributing members of society. Humans are a civilized species, but dogs are a domesticated one. For the…

I now can't get up from my desk at work for fear of poking someone in the eye.

They're kids. They do learn, and learn, and learn. They grow up and stop doing all that crazy stuff. They learn to shower, not run into the street, cook, play by themselves. I'm assuming you did too.

I would try Coca-cola baths as a weight loss aid. And by weight loss aid, I mean huge delicious drink.

I suppose you could inject wart remover into any fruit or veg and hope for the best. Or, try Coca-cola. It can eat through lots of stuff.

Interested in what fruits and vegetables I should try in order to make things smaller.

It's a lot harder to send kids to a kennel or 'Kiddy Hotel' when you go on vacation.

i don't know, i guess there's probably a few reasons why you can't go down to the Humane Society and acquire a kid for a nominal fee.

If I rubbed nightshades OR lemons on me, I would be a giant walking rash. Thank goodness I already have breasts.

Or the Old Spice guy. Either one.

My copy of the Oxford English Dictionary has a picture of him under "suave" and "handsome." Of course it's because I pasted them in there, but still.

You sir, are an American treasure. This is the most ridiculous comment I have seen for weeks and that is impressive.

Behold the power of Elba.

Some adults have the ability to separate the actor from the character.

Luther is terrifying and gave me nightmares, but I still watched every episode! It's a good show, and besides I'd watch him in pretty much anything. They could make him the long lost brother on Two and a Half Men and I would watch. Put him on one of those Real Housewives shows. Does.not.matter.

I am feeling things in my pants area that I don't normally feel at my desk on a Wednesday after just eating a shit ton of Thai food.