an online acquaintance works at the bronx zoo, and she just posted a missive about how upset she is about all the parseltongue jokes and how folks are idiots if they think a cold-blooded reptile would leave the sealed-off building in which it lives in 35-degree weather. and to please stop making jokes because she's…

@etchmiadzin: i was just about to say.

@pop culture reference: sorry about that—i decided it was rude to correct people's writing, but since you can't delete, only edit, i decided to change the subject! (caught!)

so i'm bleaching my hair platinum tonight and i have no idea what i'm doing. dollars to doughnuts i fuck it all up and end up with a buzz cut tomorrow. bottoms up!

my dad slapped me a couple times when i was a mouthy precocious teen. i told my best friend, who told the school principal, who called child protective services.

love those modcloth high-waisted bikinis. good call.

i have a lot of trouble finding full-fat greek yogurt and it's pissing me off. there's tons of it at every supermarket these days, but it's all low-fat. what's the point if it's thickened by gelatin and not fat? i fucking hate fake food.

@Owlygirl: wait, what? it needs to be alive before can eat food.

what? where are the tori amos/"precious things" jokes? i'm shocked! you ladies are officially delinquent.

"...and ensures she won't get pubic hair in the future."

i'm very anti-"dear" as an opener. i think people confuse professional with archaic. it's not 1904. i don't cherish a stranger to whom i'm sending a resume.

@officialcomplaint: full brothers. martin chose sheen as his stage name, but his birth name is ramon estevez, and all four of his kids were born estevezes too. only charlie chose to follow his dad's lead and use sheen as a stage name.

So, my boobs never showed up, but what did instead was a case of tubular breast deformity, wherein the breast tissue herniates into the nipple and the base and lower crease doesn't form. I've seen some plastic surgeons describe it as a "Snoopy's nose deformity" (which is so amateur and dumb). Basically, you have…

ditto. i'm 31 and an AA. she's not coming back for me.

i once found a staple in my burger at a local chain (mcmenamin's). like a staple from a stapler. it's a restaurant in my nabe that i really like, so i didn't raise too much hell, since i went there a lot.

Maybe it's just cos I'm from Seattle? But: Oldest news ever.

@LadySublue: my brother-and-sister cats are inseparable. you'll never find one sleeping without the other curled up with it like two inverted croissants. when i feed them, when i feed them in the morning, one won't start eating unless the other isn't there too. you know for damn sure that they're not going anywhere…

yeah, i need a set of these. for my honoured and esteemed guests.

yep, the dutch are the tallest nationality in the world. (i think the maasai tribe in kenya is taller on average, but they're not a country.) winners.

::raises hand::