“My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.” - Mitch Hedberg

I would star your reply, but it's currently at 69.

Because I’m an idiot.

I mean, what you really probably need is a truck, but when your neighbor offers to sell you his 2005 Porche 911 with 30,000 miles on it for $5000, that is what you buy.

“I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.” - Mitch Hedberg

Take the hot dog, throw it out a fucking window. Eat anything else instead.

A second beer.

Hell, Man

You have to love the ref kicking the shit out of the guy.

I vote that you add the bear who ate that woman’s kayak while the woman kept addressing him as Bear like that was his name.

Hard to say - it was a Troicki situation...

He’s already demanded a trade to the Pirates.

Pictured: The one concrete statement about all of this.

Counterpoint: this is the best bit.

“Man, that tree is far away!” - Mitch Hedberg

“Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.” - Mitch Hedberg

Since it doesn’t make any engine noise, I really hope it had a set of external speakers and was blasting that horrible EDM the whole way up the mountain.

So a dead guy comes back to life once he lands in a city called Phoenix, but somehow Christianity deserves the credit? Bullshit.

Flipflpps can’t melt human ankles.