“I have a cheese shredder. That’s the positive name for it... ‘cheese shredder.’ Nobody ever calls it by its negative name... ‘sponge ruiner!’ Because I wanted to clean it. Now all I have is little bits of sponge... that would melt easily over tortilla chips.” - Mitch Hedberg

I published 27 stories last weekend alone, so yeah it’s just you.

In fairness to Jose, he was trying to throw her at the wall, but missed.

I know y’all get to decide on your own bear coverage, but the most important summer bear news is that Pedals survived the winter and is roaming New Jersey once again. Pedals is the hero we desperately need right now. Look at him! He walks like people, but he’s a bear!

“A Kinja account is pretty easy to set up.”

If you are single and childless, $130,000 (US) is more than enough money a year to spend all your vacation time globe trotting. That’s more money than most middle class families of 4 or 5 make per year.

$130k isn’t that much.

The Academy Award nominees for Best Picture of 1976 were Taxi Driver, All the President’s Men, Network, Rocky, and Bound for Glory.

Not per gallon of milk made. Stop being ignorant.

How drunk were you last night?

Your mother and I are separating

I'd reply to this but my eyes are rolled so far back in my head I can't see my keyboard

I believe the letters “F-A-T-A-L-I-T-Y” will appear over you and the victim in some sort of dripping blood font.

“I bought a nine-dollar pen because I always lose pens, and I got sick of not caring.” - Mitch Hedberg

God...I fucking hate Bob so much.

Not “how many children could you beat up?”, “how many co-workers gave Kevin Draper shit before he got to work this morning?”

LeBron sure do like some french-fried pertaters, mmhmm, mhmm.

To be fair, when Curry is hot I lose my shit as well.

No, I just ran out of Cardinals jokes after loss #9 or something. So I figured since we’re celebrating these wonderful Cardinals losses, we could also celebrate our greatest comedic loss, Mitch Hedberg.