I’m always torn on these type of stories; I usually want to share the gospel of decent local restaurants and their burritos but am leaning towards telling people to defend their local Chipotle at all costs because I’m sick of shitloads of people moving to Austin*.

My uncle was an early adopter (had both a Betamax and a VCR), with the super-slow option on the spring-loaded VCR you could cram 3 movies on a single tape. Thus armed, me and my cousins could beat the summer heat and have a six-hour Time Bandits-Rocky III-Krull movie marathon without ever having to get up

(millennial scoff) More like ABC-ya

I do love the “being held hostage and forced to fleece inner-city families of $250 per child” look of his advertisement. Learn how to get your coach fired after you show up bloated to your junior league training camp!

Lonergan: NOW GET OUT THERE AND PLAY YOU PANTYWAISTS

“Trump and the GOP’s misogyny— well, we really can’t call that out”

She tried serving papers on Chameleon Entertainment HQ but the process servers couldn’t find the building.

“My family suffered too in Austria during World War II. For instance, my grandfather fell out of a guard tower.”

Nothing advances feminism and progressive thought like a solipsistic declaration that something you deep down think is your own property deserves protection by virtue of her relationship to you.

Any enterprising kid will be seeking to increase their ice-cream consumption (“You told me I could have it!”)

In the words of the late, great Phife Dawg: If you don’t know them by now, you’ll never know.

Don’t soft-pedal the economic effect of this draconian measure, say “10% of their annual stipend” rather than “$500"

I heard the home convection oven infomercial is kicking the RNC’s ass, ratings-wise, and is also taunting them about it on social media using the hashtag #BringingTheHeat

No way, 2008 and 2012 American track Olympian James Loney? Best $184 million signing ever!

Guess he’ll no longer be “Saved by the Bell”

As long as we independently came up with that, as opposed to egghead climate change scientists trying to make us believe their anti-coal-rollin’ lies.

It was conflict of interest: apparently he owned several leech farms.

Double whammy: his bust was removed from the Hollywood Upstairs Medical College trophy case. Triple whammy: skin failure not a thing.

Deadspin offices on days after a Cardinals game is rained out

Under the new political climate, two red cards = deportation and replacement of the talented international player with some random yob.